Tears of rain

It’s been raining all week, and I can’t help but think that it’s the angels crying over the death of my friend and his son. As a child, people would say the rain was the tears of the angels. As an adult, I still think that every time it rains. We’re under a flood warning. To me the angels are bawling, bawling for our pain and sadness. Maybe Toney and Elijah are apart of the rain as well, letting us know how terribly sad they are to leave us so soon.

Seeing the rain and the dreary world outside coincide with how I feel inside. I feel horrible, my heart hurts, my body aches and my eyes feel like they could poor tears for days. It’s exactly how I feel and oddly enough it makes me feel better. To see that even nature is feeling it, it’s sad and depressed and it’s letting all know. But it does help me stay in this dreary state of mind. If it was shinny and beautiful outside I’d be mad, because nature should have been impacted somehow by death. It would tick me off and feel like there was no support, no hug from the gods, but it would help me get out of my dreary mood. With the sun hidden behind rain clouds, it raining almost none stop all day all week, it’s keeping me in this constant state of sadness. The world feels sad to me, and that adds fuel to my sadness.

My OCD is not slowing down and the depression, the dragon is back. It’s sitting on my shoulder, speaking dark nothings in my ear. It’s taking a lot of energy and constant concentration to keep my crap together. I try to be normal, I goof off with friends like always, but inside I’m dark. I’m in that deep dark abyss that I was in so long ago. It feels like home, and that is beyond frightening. I feel safe and secure here, and that is not good. That voice keeps telling me that my phobia is real, if this could happen to Toney and Elijah its real and I have been right all along to be afraid of driving with the kids with me. It says that if that one is right, then every phobia I have is right. That I should stay home, lock the doors and not leave. That I should get everyone I love and care about and lock them in with me to protect them and me from losing someone else. That if we hide, and pretend real hard, this will go away.
Today’s the funeral. In a few hours I will go and sit with our friends from school, his family and friends and see Toney in his coffin. See Elijah in his coffin. I’m terrified of what this will do to me. And that really upsets me. This isn’t about me, this is about them and I’m afraid that my mental state is going to be impacted by today. How selfish is that? But it’s true. I know Toney understands, he knows me, but for him and Elijah I’m going and to hell with what it does to me. I’m honoring them and their memory; I’m saying the only kind of goodbye we are able to get. I wanted to write something before I left, and something after. I wanted to see myself, the difference between. But reading over this, it’s still too perky and upbeat than what is in my head. Words aren’t coming out right to explain the darkness that is inside me now. I’m not sure how to explain it, so you could understand