Wednesday, May 29, 2013

An explanation with a tear

I've stared at this post for weeks.  Well, months.  I've written it and revised it a hundred times trying to figure out what was wrong.  I finally realized it wasn't that I was getting things wrong because I wasn't.  I was telling the truth, every last brutal detail which felt oooh so good to share.  The problem? I was putting way too much effort into a post that didn't need it.  You deserve an explanation for my silence over the last year and that is exactly what you are going to get.

The reason is pathetic and really unworthy of even discussing, I have to say up front.  The quick version is, I offended my siblings by a post I had written, concerning my feelings of being hurt by them.  To make amends, I decided to close down the blog for a bit as a peace offering. I also apologized for posting about what happened.  One sister apologized for her part and we've been patching up our relationship ever since.  The other hasn't.  I'd love to tell you what she has and hasn't done, but like I said, it's rather pathetic plus doing so would give this more power then it has.  Needless to say, she's proven that everything I said in that post was (and still is) completely true. She didn't deserve my kindness, or any that I have ever have shown to her.  I hit my limit. I am pulling that band-aid off and letting it bleed baby.  The end.

The funny thing about what happened is I realized I am doing pretty good without the constant 'my day sucks' posts.  I looked at this blog as a way to release all my emotions, but instead of using it for good, I focused on the bad.  It made posting anything positive close to impossible for me.  I felt like I had to be negative. (I think I mentioned that a time or two) Yeah I have bad days every so often, but nothing like before.  So this break, though hard to do at first, has been an awakening for me. It has freed me from so much pain and anger!

How cool is that? Something pathetic turned into something fucking awesome!  Major tribal for that.

I can't say I'm back exactly, because I don't know if I can shake that 'must write morose, whiny posts' feeling. Plus, with my other blog, homeschooling Bailey now, book reviews and all the other stuff in my life, it may be hard to keep up with.  So we will see what happens now.

This blog is very special to me so I can't shut it down completely anyway. This is where I shared my pain over losing my babies and where I shared the joy of the two I got to keep.  There is too much history in these archives to throw away.

Anyway, sorry I was gone for so long and I didn't explain sooner.  I missed you all.



Momma Fargo said...

Glad you are back! Woot woot! Be you!

MissCrystal Nelson said...

You're my hero boo.

Amy J said...

Awesome! XO