Thursday, December 14, 2006

Another face

In the past when I looked in the mirror, I saw an unworthy, ugly, fat, crone staring back at me. She was always worrying or angry over something, and it was written on every inch of her face. No matter how much happiness she had in her family life, the inner turmoil was a much bigger monster that chewed up that happiness like bubble gum. I never understood how no one saw this when they looked at me. It’s all I’ve ever seen, as far as I can remember. How can someone miss this? How can anyone call that pretty or beautiful? But they have. More than one person has and even though they have been telling me this for years, I have never once believed them.

I noticed yesterday that the crone was missing from my mirror. The person I saw staring back at me was a complete stranger. Even on my good days, this was not the person I saw. It was just the crone in disguise. Is she pretty? Not sure. Is she beautiful? No. Whoever she is, she’s calm. That’s the only thing I can say about what I saw. There were no worry lines, no frown, no tears. Just a woman staring back at me with a calm, relaxed expression. Are the pills working? I don’t know but something is changing. I still worry about the same bullshit, I still get paranoid going out, and I still get emotional at the drop of a hat. But it’s not consuming me like it used to. My day consisted of non-stop worry, anger and pain. Now I have windows of calm. Calm. There has to be a better word for it, but I just can’t think of it right now. Peace maybe or a small vacation from me. Whatever is going on, it’s not something that exploded over night. I slowly stopped seeing that crone in the mirror. She became more and more transparent and finally she disappeared all together. Does this mean I’m cured? No, it is not that simple. If it was that simple, then I’ve wasted 10 years to this fucking crone.

Since I started this blog, I have lost 8lbs. I don’t know how I’ve done it. I am still eating healthy, like I have since I became pregnant with my son. I have not however done any exercising in a couple months. Everyone talks about how good you feel after you work out, how energized and happy. I have never felt this sensation. I instead, feel extremely exhausted and collapse on the couch feeling like shit run over by a freight train for the rest of the day. I do not understand how people can kick their own ass during a workout and feel good afterwards. I don’t, I feel much much worse after it all. Am I happy about the 8lbs? Yes and no. Yes because hopefully my metabolism is finally kicking in. My body is realizing that although I eat anywhere from 1200 to 1600 calories a day, I am not starving myself. Honestly, I have been eating this way since I became pregnant with my son. I made sure my diet was as healthy as possible to give him the best possible nutrients to grow. I didn’t starve myself; I ate when I was hungry and ate until I was full. I gained exactly 30lbs at a steady healthy rate of 2lbs a month. In my eighth month, I gained something like 8lbs, but hey I did good up until then. Once I had him, I continued with the diet. Although a bit modified, I had pop again and other foods preggo’s aren’t supposed to eat. The whole myth about losing weight like crazy while breastfeeding is absolute bullshit, at least it was for me. I lost 10lbs after he was born and have stayed there until now, 18 months later. No I am not happy for the pure simple fact that I don’t understand how and the fact that 8lbs isn’t putting a dent into what I need to lose. Not that I’m not thankful I lost something, because I am. But when you need to lose close to 60lbs to be considered healthy, it’s not enough to jump for joy. And why now? WHY NOW? I spent hundreds of dollars on the four top diet pills out there right now and not a damn thing happened. I wasted money we could have put into our house on useless pills. I am pissed about that, so these 8lbs do not make me happy.

The crone has left for a time. I am happy about that. She can and probably will return many times before it’s all over with. But for now THE BITCH IS GONE! I am finally able to relax and just breathe. You don’t understand what that means unless you’ve been where I was. Breathing becomes a necessity, to exist. If you don’t take that breath, it’s over. I struggled with that for years. Not that I ever once had suicidal thoughts, but that monster inside wouldn’t allow me to see what I had to live for. I have an amazing husband who loves me more than I could have ever imagined, I have a beautiful son to teach and to show the world to, and I have a great family who inspire me to be a better me. I have always known that, but it was hard to see over the inner pain and hate I had. Now when I breathe, it’s refreshing, it’s satisfying. I don’t worry about tomorrow these days. I don’t worry about it, I just let it come. I breathe happiness now, instead of pain.

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