Monday, November 19, 2007

On Friday I switched happy pills. The old ones had stopped working or should I say never started once I began taking them again. My paranoia and OCD was getting louder every day. I was panicking over all sorts of things, my energy level was non-existent and my weight was fluctuating up and down by 4 pounds. That is scary to go from 4 lbs lighter to heavier in one day and the next day go back down. Don’t ask me how that is possible but it was happening every few days. Shitty metabolism is such a cute little monster. My sleep wasn’t too great, so the doc also prescribed sleeping pills. Which, have yet to do anything other than make me more exhausted during the day. I feel like I’ve stayed up all night long, I’m almost too tired to sleep. Add on the new happy pills and I feel like I’ve drank 5 pots of coffee or I’m on that thin line between a good buzz and wasted. It is fun and funny but a bit scary. The world is going by fast around me like I’m on a roller coaster and I’m hanging on for dear life. My eyes can’t focus on anything for very long; the object seems to shake ever so slightly making me dizzy. If this is what my dr. means by feeling weird for a few days that is a mild explanation. As long as they eventually work then I can handle this. Oh and no headaches, I am sick of those damn headaches if these cause the headaches we’re trying something new.

Yesterday I was typing up an email, it wasn’t very long but it took me 15 minutes to write. I had to write a word or two at a time because I could not focus on the screen. Which means I won’t be writing on my projects any time soon. I’m not happy about that because I haven’t really been able to write for a while. Everything I seem to write turns into crap and I have to delete it. So no progress in months…nay years. Everything I’ve written in the past two years is crap, utter crap. I have one story that I have written for my class that is worth anything. One story in two years is terrible, even more so because it is a short story. I try to be positive, I continue to write but I keep failing big time and I’m frustrated. Will I ever be able to pick this up again? Will my muse ever come back? Or has my depression killed it all? I hope not, I love writing and I miss it terribly.

I hope the new happy pills work. I hope they get rid of the OCD again, and the paranoia, give me back energy and help me lose weight again. I also hope that I’ll be able to write. I feel incomplete, like I’m forgetting something and its all because I’m not writing. I’m not writing in any of my journals, I’m not writing anything really and that is bad, bad. I need to get the ideas out of my head it helps me think, but I can’t think enough to write.

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