Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pink or blue?

So many things have happened over the past few weeks, I haven’t had a clue where to start. I kept thinking tomorrow I’ll post, and tomorrow would mean something new to distract me, something new to add to the list of what’s running around my head. I picked the most important one, the most frustrating one, and the most exciting one. A baby.

I switched happy pills in November and within a few weeks I HAD TO HAVE A BABY. Not this oh I think we could try again feeling. No it was I want to be pregnant like now….like now….LIKE FUCKING NOW! Then I had to switch meds again because those weren’t baby friendly, and once those kicked in we started trying. First time, the boys hit their target. I knew within a few days of trying that I was pregnant. It was the weirdest thing, because I just knew, there was no doubt in my mind that I was knocked up. Then I took the test and was totally surprised even though I already knew. How does that happen? Not sure but I was jumping up and down squealing in my bathroom just the same. Three days later it ended. I had what they call a chemical pregnancy. I was pregnant long enough to get a positive but my body absorbed it within a few days. Hubby and I both prepared for the abyss but it never came. We’re both sad about it, I don’t know how we couldn’t be, but I’m not having an episode and we’re excited to keep trying.

It is strange to go from being terrified of having another baby to NEEDING to have another baby. It hit me all at once, while we were loading the munchkin in the car and I thought “I want another one. I want to be pregnant”. It was so out of the blue that I just sat there in the car for a few minutes in silence. Then I looked over at Hubby and told him, he laughed then gave me a look of surprise. He didn’t believe me at first, but when he saw that I had bedding, gear and toys already picked out within a few days I think he got the point. I found out that he has wanted another one since the munchkin was born but he never mentioned it because of my fear. I feel horrible that he’s wanted one for so long and my fear has held us back. But I’m more than thrilled to know that he’s just as antsy to have another one as I am.

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