Monday, July 27, 2009

Troubled mind

Things are going on here that words just can’t describe. Not only that but a small child is in the middle of this whole damn thing and I cannot lay the cards on the table, so to speak, for her protection. Needless to say its tearing me up inside with anger and pain so huge that my throat tightens and my eyes water every time the subject comes up. I thought I could write about it, but I can’t. I won’t give details, because this little girl needs someone on her side.

My heart is bursting with the need to hold her. To tell her we do love her and miss her and will do all in our power to help her. But I can’t. We can’t. Someone is refusing to let us. There are lines where you just don’t cross, and ones that involve children are made of brick walls that shouldn’t even be touched, but one has. One has been blown up to teeny bits and we’re left staring at the pieces screaming to the sky, why. Why, if only that question could truly be answered. As it is, the answer still won’t explain how things were done. It won’t turn back time and make this little girl less tormented.

Among this little girl, is a situation so disgusting, so childish, so insane that even if I could tell it all, I’m not sure where to start. I’m not sure how any one’s mind could work in such a way that one turns their back on everyone. That everything good is turned to evil, evil done on purpose to upset someone else’s world. Let’s be pissed off because someone has what we want, lets blame them for our unhappiness, lets turn our back on them because they did it to hurt us. Let’s be pissed off at those who help us, those who are by our side giving us advice, because it really isn’t help, its criticism. Can you really understand the answer to why? Can you really feel for this person? Or even understand the thought process behind this? I know I can’t.

So why bring it up if all I can do is minimally discuss the situation? Because my day, my entire day revolves around this thing and no matter how hard I try its all I can think of. I started a post about this; I put it all out there then realized, I’m just as bad as the guilty party. I’m bringing this little girl in amongst all the bullshit, and that is not fair to her. She’s only a child, someone to protect and guide. She deserves better than me airing what’s going on in her little world. She needs as many people as possible supporting her so she can heal and be whole again. But I can’t mention the other part without bringing her into it, so no details on either. This is as much as I can divulge without stirring up WWIII, and without leaving a scar on some that can’t be hidden or healed.

I know you can’t hear me, I know you can’t see me, but I’m thinking of you. I’m thinking of you and wishing I knew where you were. I’m wishing that I could run to you and hug you. I want to hold you and cry and tell you just how much I love you, we love you, and how sorry we are that we haven’t been allowed to be there for you. I’d wrap you up in a blanket and sneak you out of there in a second if I could. I’d hide you in my house until everything settled. You could stay with me and Bo and the kids for as long as you wanted. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let you see just how much you mean to us, with the little amounts of time we see you, but I will find away. I will smother you with love, because you deserve it.

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