Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Goodbye's suck

Just a few minutes ago I kissed my hubby goodbye before he left for Texas. I hate that I’m so melancholy over this trip. People have spouses leave for days and weeks all over the world, yet here I am panicking and being all OCD while others handle it just fine. NOT FAIR. I’ve worried myself almost sick, my stomach hurts, I’m nauseous, I’m dizzy, I have that I’ve cried for days drained feeling, my eyes are sore as if I have, on and on the list goes of how bad I feel all thanks to my OCD. It’s not all about me and I know this. I have two kids to take care of, one who misses his Daddy and all I can think over and over again is, he’s gone for 4 days and 3 nights, I’m without him for 4 days and 3 nights, and what can go wrong ~enter in horrifying depressing scenario here~. The OCD has made it all about me in my head and it irritates me to no end. It’s not all about ME, Nikki come on. I know these thoughts are irrational, I KNOW that he’s going to be careful and I KNOW that by worrying over and over and asking oh please let him be ok with every other breath isn’t healthy. But goodness knows how to stop this.

Right now I wish I had rituals, something to make my mind feel at ease but I don’t have any. If I did, it would be writing or reading, and at this level of anxiety it doesn’t work so great. It’s distracting until I turn the page and everything is turned back on on high volume. I’m noticeably agitated, and I know Bailey can see it and feel it, and I’m trying so hard to keep my crap together but its leaking out. He notices something I wanted him to never see, or at least until he could understand, and not only does that piss me off it makes me sad because now he knows. Now he knows his mother isn’t stable.

My plan today is try to conquer as many items on my outrageous to do list that I can manage. Because hopefully doing something so tedious and that takes some brain power, will distract me enough to not wallow in my loneliness. Maybe it will help me stop shaking ever so slightly. Maybe it will calm my stomach down, calm my muscles down, calm my head down. If not, I’m sure I can add more to my to-do list to at least make me so tired I can’t think. Ha or maybe not, this is me and my warped mind after all, I’m starting to think it would survive anything.

Poor Mom, she’ll be getting here later today to stay with us. Well, in reality it’s to take care of me. Because I need someone here to keep me stable, and who better than my mommy? I think she’s going to see even more into this side of me than she ever has and I’m wondering how she’ll handle it. She’s seen glimpses here and there but she still doesn’t understand how it works. She tells me “Well think of something else” or “Just stop thinking about it”, and I have to tell her its not that easy, but she still doesn’t get it. Maybe now she will. Maybe she’ll see just how bad I am and understand that OCD is real and it’s frightening and it’s annoying as hell. Poor Mom.

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