Sinking

Here we go again. Bo leaves tomorrow morning and driving to Texas and will return sometime Saturday. This is far far too soon after what happened with Toney and Elijah. It's too soon, I was just coming above the surface and now back down I go again. My thoughts have turned dark with what if this, what if that..... My heart hurts, my head hurts and he hasn't even left yet. How bad is this going to get once he takes off?


My mom will be here with me; otherwise I wouldn't sleep and probably not eat or do much of anything but sit on the couch and wallow in my loneliness. I can already feel myself sinking to that place that I just got out of, that place where nothing is good or happy or light, it’s all dark, sad and horrifying. I don’t want to do this again. I do not want to go there ever again and I’m going back little by little. It’s only going to get worse. Until he’s safe in my arms, my imagination is running wild with everything that could happen to him. He’s my rock, he’s what keeps me together and I couldn’t survive losing him. My thoughts are already trying to figure out how to breathe without him. Just typing that, getting that out of my head, tears me up inside and brings tears to my eyes. I’m not superstitious per say, but with something like this I am. I don’t talk about what can go wrong, I only think it, because I really am afraid of what saying it out loud could do.

Normal people don’t do this. I don’t understand why I sit here and think the worst possible thoughts all day every day whenever someone goes away for a few days. Or let’s face it, hours because I worry when he goes to work, just not nearly as bad. Wait. Let’s rephrase, I have horrible thoughts all the time and it’s made worse when people live their life. Everything that can go wrong in anything that you do, that’s what is in my head 24/7. So pretty much, it’s constant for me with levels of high ‘activity’ during situations that are out of the normal routine. Going to Texas without me, for 4 days and three nights, is out of my normal routine. I’m freaking the F out.