Trying

I’m trying. Trying to keep going. Trying to stay positive. Trying.

I’ve lost so many people over the past 10 years, and each one makes me sit and go over everyone I’ve lost. It’s to the point that I sadly forget someone. I start with my grandma, and how even after almost 10 years I’m still devastated by losing her. I go through each memory I have of every single person. I end with the current loss, and this one is a double one, and one involving a small child, so it’s even more difficult.

I’m trying to get through my day without breaking down in tears. I’m trying to not let the kids see just how upset I am because they don’t know. Trying to keep myself from screaming because I know if I do, I’ll never stop.

This is so similar to how I felt after Grandma passed, and I remember it took me months to really enjoy a day. But yet, to this day I get tears in my eyes each time I think of her. It was work putting one foot in front of the other then, and it is again. My mind is one ugly mess of worries and it won’t stop.