Sunday, October 25, 2009

Whole again

He’s home! HE’S HOME! Here let me repeat that again in case you didn’t quite hear it. HE’S FREAKING HOME BABY!!! Ok, but be prepared to hear it again a few more times because I can’t help but say it over and over in my head and out loud every few minutes.

He walked in and I had to restrain myself from jumping on him, I wanted to wrap myself around him and not ever let go. But I was a good Mama and let Bailey get to him first. When it was my turn, I hugged him and couldn’t stop for a good 10 minutes. The fact that he didn’t want to let go either just melted my heart. He does love me, my weird crazy ass and all.

How was this week you may wonder? Hell. H.E.L.L. It was horrible. My mother, love you love you Mama, was here the whole time and I swear to you if she wasn’t I would not have gotten through. I’m sure if you asked her, she’d say I acted just fine, albeit a little sidetracked. What Mom didn’t know was that in my head it was chaos. For all her help and support, she doesn’t quite understand OCD. I knew she could handle my moments of weirdness, but I knew that since she doesn’t know enough about it, she wouldn’t be able to really help me. I was drained come bedtime and as I lay in our room, in our bed with Jocelyn by my side, I cried. It wasn’t that awful bawl that you do sometimes, it was quiet tears, but it hurt just the same. I felt so empty without him here, so incomplete and oh so tired. I ached all over, my stomach cramped from the constant worry, needless to say I felt sick most of the time. Mom kept me sidetracked enough that I managed not to lose my crap. It was a close call, I didn’t realize how close until Bo walked into the door. My legs felt like rubber, my heart was beating 90 to nothing, and my hands ached to touch him. I managed to keep it together, as hard as it was, and I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t notice. Just having her here with me helped. To know that my mom would stay with me whenever I needed her, it was like I was a kid again and just having Mom in the room made all the bad go away. Well most of it anyway.

Someone else I had that got me through was Miss. She and I talked back and forth on how miserable and lonely we were. THANK YOU MISS FOR THAT!! It wasn’t much, but it was enough to hear that I wasn’t alone in how alone I felt. I tried not to drive her nuts by my poor pitiful me talk, since I knew she was having it herself. I’m hoping I helped her instead of made her feel worse. She gets me, she gets how the OCD warps my brain, so I knew I could say whatever I needed to and get reassurance that it would be ok or that she felt it too. Even 2000 miles away, she was there for me. Even going through her own withdrawals from Seth and Caden, she was there for me. I love you honey cheeks.


I made it through 4 days and 3 nights without my rock, thanks to Mama and Miss. Massive hugs to you both for this. It was horrible. It was lonely. It was painful. I never ever want to do it again. It just reminded me how bad I am at doing things on my own, and how much I love and appreciate everything Bo does for us. I love you baby!

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