Saturday, January 23, 2010

The ‘nothing’

The past few days my mind has been a blank.  I know why, tomorrow is Jocelyn’s birthday.  I’m sad, as of tomorrow she will no longer be a baby.  She’ll be a toddler.  I’ve mentioned this enough times I’m sure all of you are like “Come on Nikki give it a rest.  We get it, move on already”.  Well boo to you, its my blog I can bitch all I want about my baby growing up.  ~sticks tongue out~

My babies are miracle babies.  I can’t help but want to hold onto them as long as I can.  Five pregnancies and only two babies, how can I not get emotional at milestones?  Five pregnancies and only two babies… I feel jipped, I feel cheated and I guess that's why knowing that she’s my last hurts so badly.  I know what a miracle they are, and I had it easy compared to some.  The thought that tomorrow is her first birthday, the last first birthday I’ll get to share with my child, the last first everything, it breaks my heart into a million pieces.  No I don’t resent Bo or hate him or anything for his choice for not wanting more.  He’s the logical one in this relationship.  He’s right, I couldn’t mentally handle the rollercoaster that is trying to conceive and pregnancy and delivery.  No matter how much I want another one, no matter how much I love my babies, I’m going to cause enough problems with my issues I don’t need to add more fuel to the fire.  I can’t help but be sad, and wish I could do it just one more time, I think I will always be like this as hard as it is to admit.  But its not his fault, its mine.  Well my brains fault, since I cannot help what my brain does to me.  That is the only thing I blame and am pissed off at. 

The movie Never Ending Story, is one of my childhood favorites and I still watch it and enjoy it to this day.  But the Nothing, its more than some weird being in a children’s story.  It’s real and its in my head.  Its where I go when things get hard.  Its where I retreat to to help the thoughts go away.  Because if I don’t, bad things happen.  Bad things that still to this day I have a hard time talking about.  Things that I have trouble remembering because I’ve blocked it out.  Even with happy pills, it takes over and clouds my mind.  Scary to think that I’m thankful for it, because I know what happens without it.

Tomorrow I will try my hardest to not let the Nothing take over because I cannot miss this.  I cannot miss her first birthday, I want to remember it.  I won’t let it destroy tomorrow.  Even if that means I have to plaster a smile on my face and fake it.  It’s been a while since I’ve had to, but after having 10 years of doing it daily I think I’m an old pro at it.  Just like riding a bike……


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