Sweet sorrow…..

Last night, as usual I waited for Jocelyn to give me the ‘heads up, I want boobs woman’ sign, this means either a)  reaching for my chest and whining or b) burying her head in my chest, whining and rooting around like a dog digging for a bone.  But she never did.  She just sucked her thumb and put her head on my shoulder.  I didn’t try to make her nurse, I just went off of her cues, and the child slept all night long.

Today, no sore girls, no engorged exploding feeling, just sadness.  My last baby, and now it seems she no longer wants to nurse.  I had no idea that two days ago was the last time I would nurse her.  As a way to make me feel better, Bo said that it may not be the last time, that she could have a total meltdown today or tonight and I’ll get to do it again.  I told him it wasn’t nice to give me hope, since it’s his fault she’s the last baby….yes I was joking and we both laughed.  It was a good dig though huh.  I’m not hoping for another feeding, well I am, but I know she can’t nurse forever, eventually there will be an end to this stage, extending it will only make it more painful for both of us.  I’m not as sad as I was expecting to be, more bummed than anything.  I keep telling myself that there is so much more to come with this little girl, that will replace this oddly sweet and touching task.  Still totally confused as to how nursing a baby, everything revolves around feeding time and where to go and how to hide, you wear icky bra’s and plan for leaking just in case, because of those bras your limited in clothing, you can’t drink, you miss out on all sorts of things since your stuck in a hidden cave nursing…How on earth can I be so sad that I don’t get to experience it anymore?  No idea either.

And wouldn’t you know it, I ran out of happy pills yesterday.