Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My letter to you

Dear Miss,

This morning I woke up and thought I heard you walking through the living room. I admit it freaked the shit out of me since I knew you weren’t here and Bo had left for work already. I got out of bed and put my eyeballs in. I grabbed the biggest cup we have, and poured it full of coffee. Once I had added all my toppings, I went to your room. Yes your room, I can’t call it the office yet. I sat down and slowly spun in the chair and tried to see you here again. Even your smell has left. When Bailey woke up, he sat down next to me and asked if you were still here. I told him no, and his bottom lip began to tremble. Told you my babies were going to fall in love with you.

Yesterday, we watched you in the airport making sure you had everything handled; neither of us could drive away from you yet. When Bo put it in gear and we began moving, so did the tears. I held it in until you moved from my sight. But you should be proud I didn’t break down into those horrible, incoherent sobs. I cried and we talked about how much we already miss you and how it’s just not going to be the same without you here. Talked about how much fun we had with you. How much you helped us. We talked about my fear of going right back to where I was before you came down. Bo gave me the mantra of “What would Miss do”, and told me that at any time I feel overwhelmed or lost, ask myself this. We laughed because even though I’m going to try it, neither of us understands just how you do it. I then asked if he’d take me to the bookstore, because at that moment, that was the closest thing to you that I could think of. Funny huh.

I bought Twilight, aren’t you proud? I buried myself in it on the ride home. I had to, every time I looked up the tears started again. It didn’t help that the world outside the window looked as sad as I felt. Damnit woman you took the sun and warmth with you. Today it’s cold, rainy, cloudy, dark…

There is an upside to this I promise. I know I’ve said a million times how much you’ve helped me get out of my funk. But I wish I had a video of how bad I was. From the time I woke up until Bo got home, it was either my purple buddy (laptop) or a book in my hand, I lived my days by hiding. I did the simplest tasks with the house and the kids. I had to have these distractions, like I had to have air to breath. Then you walked into my house and it became a want. I want to read, or I want to check my email. I didn’t have to do these things to get through my day, to survive. I did it because I wanted to, and once I did them I could walk away without issue. Do you have any clue how awesome that feeling is? I know I can get through my day without burying myself away from the world. I know I can. The toughest part now is doing it without you here to keep me going. I can already see it’s hard, and my day has barely begun. But I know it is possible, I know I am capable of it, I know I can do something and succeed. I hate that it takes you or Bo for me to succeed in things, I want to do it on my own and I can’t. Somehow I have to admit defeat and accept that you two bring out the good in me, because I only see the bad. You guys remind me that I do have good in me, somehow I have to find the way to do this myself.

I am afraid of today and tomorrow and the next day. But I know you’ll hold to your promise of calling me and making sure I’m off my butt and doing what needs to be done. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to clean my house in 10 minutes the way you do, but I want to try anyway. I’m going to buckle down, do Weight Watchers and work out so that I can beat you, mwahahaha. I’m off the pills, and I will hunt for some EMDR therapy around so I can give it a shot without them. I have to say though, I still feel like shit rannith over by a mack truck without them. I will try to keep up with getting dressed, makeup on, hair fixed every day…and carrying my rad new bag with me everywhere. You’ve shown me what I forgot of myself, and it’s my job to keep this going somehow. I will try my damndest not to let you down, not to let Bo down or myself down.

Thank you for everything. Don’t you dare take so long to visit again…yes I know, we need to visit too, hush that pretty mouth.

Love you Honey Cheeks

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