Thursday, March 18, 2010

You know those days

When everything sucks ass. And not just a small, firm round ass, but one the size of Connecticut with moles and hair and cellulite. One that’s so scary you’re afraid of getting sucked in if you stand too close. That was my day yesterday. Nothing went right, I could barely stay awake, and it didn’t matter what it was it pissed me off.

Bailey being his usual talkative self, trying to get me to play make believe with him, anything he can think of to get me to talk and go along with the story line he’s created, pissed me off. I don’t know why or how but his little voice grated on my nerves yesterday like nails on a chalk board. I knew it was wrong and there was nothing he was doing to cause me to be so mad, which in turn ticked me off more because I had no right to be acting like that. Then there’s sweet Jocelyn, who is teething something fierce and the slightest thing sets her off into a fit of screaming. I can relate to her, because I was there yesterday, but at the same time her little fits and frustrations, her little breaking heart…well you guessed it, pissed me off. By the time Bo got home last night I was at my wits end, mainly with myself for acting like such a douche , but I will admit I was thrilled like I won the lottery at knowing I could hand them over and ignore them. Except it turned to him, when all he was trying to do was make sure I got the appointment to get on something new and not walk away and try to be Superwoman by not taking anything. Somehow his help, in my head, sounded more like I can’t possibly survive without medication and I’m a retard for thinking I can for even a day. His words were something like “They seem to be really busy these days, since I had to reschedule and make my appointment weeks from now. I wouldn’t wait until next week to call, because they may not be able to fit you in next week”. Even when he said it I understood what he meant, but somehow my brain processed it way off and I got mad. We got into an argument over him being helpful and being worried about me. The day sucked majah ass.

Why am I like this? Because I stopped taking the happy pills on Saturday. Why? Because apparently I’m stupid and asking for punishment. A few days ago we saw a commercial about Paxil (my pill at the moment) and it causing breast cancer. Um yeah, for someone who worries about every known illness, disease and what have you, that is not the commercial to show me. The Paxil wasn’t working that well anyway and I was totally ready for a new med or something that would help me. I saw this commercial and my mind was made up, no more Paxil. But that means this. Or better yet, THIS, because it’s not something easy to handle or ignore or move past. The slightest thing pisses me off, or makes me cry or ruins my day. I need a pill just for this, that’s sad.

The plan is that I get on something new next week and hopefully it will work. Hopefully by then, this weird funk will go away. Although I know I’ll go through something similar getting used to a new pill, but coming off of a pill always kicks my butt. Or so Bo says, I cannot remember ever feeling like this before and hearing that I always do something like this makes me hate it even more. Why can’t I be ‘normal’ and not need this crap to get through my day? Why can’t I be ‘normal’ and be able to work through situations rationally, instead of having panic/anxiety attacks? But most of all, why am I forgetting so much?

P.S. that pink fuzz ball in my arms was a gift from Bo yesterday. It’s a huge pink rabbit, soft and squishy. Perfect for cuddling and for making me smile. Thank you babe, it helped I promise!

He hasn’t told me his name yet, but we’re open to suggestions.

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