Monday, June 07, 2010

Dear you..

Dear you,

I hope you read this although I know you won't.  And you probably never will since it has to do with me.  Gasp.

My son's birthday party was Saturday.  You were here the day before and it just so happened that you waited until the last minute to decide to go home.  K wanted to go home instead of coming to the party, and I'm sure she did, because you probably went on and on about him and completely ignored her as usual.  Why would she want to go to a party when she knows that you will treat another child better than her?

Yes I said it.  Do you have any idea how painful it is to me and Bo, to watch you go crazy over Bailey and to never have seen you do that to your own daughter?  I can't imagine how loved she must feel watching you do that....

So you leave and say how sorry you were that you couldn't go.  Did you call and say Happy Birthday Bailey I'm sorry I can't be there? No.  You can't be too sorry if you're 15 minutes away and can't take the time to come by to say hello or even call when you have my number.  Hell you have my email address too.  But its not surprising since you couldn't take the time to come see me after Jocelyn was born either....yeah defend that one.

You look at me and you see that I have what I have only to make you jealous.  You say that I have the life you were supposed to have, that I don't deserve it.  Well fuck you.  What kind of sister says that?  I would be proud of anything and everything you accomplished.  I don't look at what someone has and think they are rubbing it in my face or blame them for my unhappiness.  I'm proud of them and thrilled with how far they've come.  How stupid can you be to think I have the perfect husband, the perfect kids, the perfect life and I did it all just to piss you off?  "Nikki wasn't supposed to have boys, that was supposed to be me!"  "Nikki has everything I was supposed to have, it wasn't supposed to be hers!".  Seriously?  Yeah defend that too.

I hate to break it to you but perfect does not exist.  Do you forget the three miscarriages I have had?  You call that perfect?  Or are you pretending they don't exist?  They do exist, they will always exist!  I pray to God you don't have to go through something so perfect.

What about the OCD and Depression?  You call that perfect too?  Well take it sister of mine, take it.  Take the part where I can't drive somewhere with my kids without someone with me or I have a panic attack.  Take the part where going for a walk around the block with Bailey leaves me shaking and sick to my stomach.  Take the part where I isolate myself so much that I'm practically a hermit, just so I don't have a break down where others will see, so my children won't see just how mental I am.  Take it, please so I can be normal and do normal things for once in my entire life.

This weekend was for Bailey and your jealousy of something I "did" made you not stop by. Whether K wanted to go home or not I don't believe you really would have came. You've shown me its not worth believeing you.  You weren't there for either of their births, but I was there for you with K wasn't I?  Why would I believe you'd even show up for a birthday party? 

I can already see what you'll do if you run across this or if someone sent it to you (and it won't be hard to figure out who would do it).  I can see what you'll do, and who you'll blame for this.  I did this, not our parents not our sister, not Krys, I did this and I better not hear you say one word about them being involved or taking it on them in anyway.  Blame me, blame me for it just like you blame me for finding happiness in my life and everything else I supposedly did to hurt you.  Besides, its not like you take the time to come visit me when you're down anyway, it won't be any different than it is now if your going to "wash your hands of me".  You don't answer my emails or calls nor do you call me on your own already.  And just like usual, you can ignore me when I come to see you guys at Mama's.  See nothing will change, so you can sleep easy.

But you know what I could care less about how you or anyone else views this post.  I, unlike you, can admit when I'm wrong and I can apologize and own up to my stupidity.  Yes its hard and its painful but its part of  being a mature adult.  I wish I had something to feel guilty about C, I wish I had done something wrong to cause you to hate me like this.  But I haven't.  I married someone I loved, we've worked hard to get where we are and we have two beautiful children that we were blessed to have after everything it took to get them here.  Explain to me please how I did this to hurt you?  Explain to me how you can stop talking to me because of how my life has turned out?  How is this my fault C?

I am sorry for one thing though, I am sorry to say I can't do this anymore.  I can't pretend you haven't stabbed us all in the back and said horrible things about us all.  I can't pretend you did nothing wrong.  I can't look you in the eyes anymore.  I can't believe in anything you say.  I can't.  But I won't tell my kids how horrible you are, I'm not that petty.  They'll learn soon enough, I won't have to say a word.  I won't bash you in front of K either.  You see, I don't think its right to bad mouth others around children so they hate them too.  I'm better than that.  I'm smarter than that.  And if somehow my kids hear it and tell you what I say, then I'll apologize to them and you, because I didn't realize they were around.  I suppose I should have kept calling you until you answered so I could tell you in person how I feel.  But after over a year of trying I gave up.  Hmm it must be part of that perfect thing I have that should have been yours too.

You have hurt me more than I ever thought you would do.  But I still love you, you're my sister and that won't stop just because you hate me for something I didn't do.  I could have given so many details in this post but I didn't, because this isn't a post to get everyone on my side.  It's a post to you, in hopes that you will call me and say you are sorry.  That you'll explain everything to me so I understand how I am to blame.  Maybe putting this out there to piss you off will get you to talk to me and finally be honest with everyone.

And maybe it won't but at least I can go to sleep at night knowing that I tried to help you.  I tried to talk to you when I heard what you said about me and even when I heard about K.  I tried to give you the chance to apologize and explain.  I tried, and you didn't. 

Sadly I'm not sure I'll ever forgive you for this.  I now it's going to be even more difficult to forgive you for the pain you have put our parents through by not calling them and lying about K.  You've fucked up C, and you have a lot of fixing to do.  How can you expect someone to help you, to be there for you when you throw a jealousy fit because the "spotlight" isn't on you at the moment? 

I've been sitting on this kind of post for a long time and I've put off publishing it because I didn't want to make things worse.  I didn't want to be blamed for something else, even though this time I actually did  something.  Woohoo for once I've done something to piss you off on purpose, its crazy to think about that.   But this weekend showed me that you don't care about us and I waste time caring and worrying about you.  So why try to be nice when you can't?  Why show you respect when you don't? 

Sincerely, your sister.

P.S. Call me and tell me to my face what you think, don't do it behind my back...its so childish and weak.


-MissC* said...

Lady my Lady! You are a BAMF!
I hope you feel good to get this emotional vomit out. It was way overdue.
But I know that this was hard for you. These are things you have been holding onto for years! That said... I also know you held a lot back.
You did an amazing job Lover of Mine. I love you!

Nikki said...

I love you too babe!!

Thanks, I don't feel so bad ass but I do feel much better to have at least said it somehow to her. I told Bo its freaking awesome to finally have something I did to contribute to this whole mess...its also awesome to know that this is NOTHING compared to what she did and I have nothing to feel bad about.