Wednesday, December 08, 2010

I'm sinking

I can feel that darkness coming again. It's heavy and it's suffocating and I'm scared shitless.

I have Bailey who has turned into someone I don't know.  Who thinks getting into trouble is fun and a big joke.  Who thinks it's cool to see what the sad face is going to look like today.  Who I can't stop yelling and screaming at turning myself into someone I don't know either.  Who brings tears to my eyes because I can't be nice to him anymore, my own son I can't be nice to.  What a horrible mother that makes me.

I can't seem to get anything right these days.  I can't seem to get in control and finish anything.  I can't seem to do anything I set out to do, other than get through my day until Bo gets home to save me.  I play stupid online games or read as much as I possibly can, because otherwise my mind turns ugly and I begin to panic.

I'm eating better yet I can't loose weight.  And I can't get motivated into working out because if I'm eating better and that's not doing me any good, how will working out help?   All it has ever done is make me exhausted and sick feeling.  I think that whole 'exercise makes you feel better and energized' is utter bullshit.  Those who get that, are freaks of nature...or I am.

All those thoughts of why should I bother, who is going to care, I don't matter so my happiness is redundant...etc are back.

I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm clinging to it with everything I've got but I can feel myself slipping.

I'm fine when I'm talking to someone, but if no one is online and it's just me and the kids, everything comes rushing back in a tidal wave.  Someone to talk to keeps me distracted and gives me something to look forward to or something to focus on.  It works better than any medication I've had.

It's wrong that I'm all lonely and sad and so damn negative unless I have someone to talk to.  It makes me feel even more like a freak to know everyone is my crutch. 

Everything is piling on top of me right now.  Things I can't fix and no matter how hard I try, it's not changing anything.  Everything is getting worse by the day.  And all I can think of, is that it's all because of me.

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