Wednesday, June 01, 2011

I'm totally contaminated

With a very touchy start on my part, totally unable to eat breakfast and feeling as if the coffee was about to turn against me at any second, yesterday went by without a hitch.

Not one single issue.

Minus my 'morning sickness'.

Unless you consider using a public toilet that stinks like an old dirty outhouse that hasn't been cleaned in decades.  If you've ever read my blog you know this is one of those things I CANNOT STAND.  No public restrooms, of any kind, for me unless I have no other option. 

I'm sure I could have taken a squat out by the buffalo and no one would care but I didn't want to scare the kiddies.

I felt so nasty all day, I just wanted to scrape my skin off.  And since Bo is a loving, kissy kinda guy, at one point he and I are cuddling on the couch when he leans down and kisses my arm.  OMG you did not just do that.  Do you realize I used that arm to shut the stall door?  Do you have any clue the gunk that's on those things from dirty people?  You are now covered with nastiness and must get away from me.  He rolled his eyes and said 'Then I'm contaminated, can't do anything about it now'. 

Yesterday was exhausting and hot, the weatherman said the temps this week are similar to the heat we have during July and August.  HOT MOTHERFUCKING HOT is what I heard him say.  That's why once dinner was over, I crashed on the couch and said fuck that to showers although we all needed them.  That is until I was brushing my teeth before bed and realized any goo that I had on my hands and touched my face or hair with would now be on my pillow...the stuff would be crawling all over me in my sleep.  OMG must take shower now. 

Have I mentioned that Bo rocks?  Well I'll tell you again.  He rocks!  This man changed my pillow case (cause I'd been chillaxin on the couch with my pillow) while I scrubbed myself raw in the shower.  He also brought me antibacterial soap to wash my ass.  My regular soap wouldn't do.  I had butt juices on me, you know.  

I'm going to embarrass myself even further right now by sharing with you that I was Scarlet O'Hara-esk dramatic in the shower going on and on about the nasty butt juices of others all over me.  And the more I washed the more it spread and I was informing Bo of every second.  'Oh my God Bo the water is washing it down my legs, my legs are now covered in butt juices....I just washed my stomach, butt juices have contaminated that area...MOTHERFUCKINGPIECEOFSHIT I forgot to wash my face....Butt juices are there too.'  We were both laughing at my stupidity, but in truth I was really thinking these things and turned it into humor so I didn't beg for his scrubber for the grill.  That bastard would take everything off.  Although I did ask him to pass me the mouthwash....he never did though.

Butt juices aside, yesterday was pretty fun.  The kids loved the animals and Jocelyn spent the entire day mimicking the peacocks.  We drove and walked all over the place, dodged a car eating camel barely coming away with our lives, pet buffalo's, pigs, goats, and even made a tiger lick it's lips cause we were so tasty looking.  K2 was an awesome helper and had so much fun with the kids she didn't want to leave when my parents came to get her. 

I can't say I'd go back to the Safari anytime soon, cause it was so very hot and I was in jeans cause that's how this chunky monkey rolls in 90 degree humid weather, and that bathroom will give me nightmares for years, but spending the day with K2 and the kids and seeing their excitement at the animals was totally worth it.


jodene said...

I hope I was allowed to pee myself laughing ... because I did! On the other hand, I do know how tragic and unpleasant that truly was for you my friend and kudos to you and to Bo for living through something very real ... still giggling though! Big love!

pixelslave said...

I LOVE the way you write!! It's like you're inside my head with a flashlight and can see all the funny places I won't tell folks about! Can't wait for your next post! Superbly honest and funny!

StarTraci said...

Isn't that the balance of life? Doing things that make us totally insane (or contaminated) just to see our loved ones happy? It's great that you put yourelf out there in jeans and dealt with butt juices because you are living life. It's also great that your man knows your needs when you get home from said life -- LOL!