Friday, September 23, 2011

Breaking him in with sex talk

Family warning: Don't read further unless you want to bleed from your eyeballs.

Picture it: Last night Bo and I were standing in our kitchen talking about our day after the kids were in bed.  Long story short something happened at work today that touched on our past and I was asking him how he explained to the boys how he went from 'friend zone' to boyfriend with me.  That's when we started talking about our early days, when we made out semi naked (the day I woke up and realized he had a penis, shut up don't judge, I've known him since I was 5, we weren't moving THAT fast) in our friend's uncle's bed, and then a few months later scrogged in his dad and step mom's tub and a few months after that in my parents bed.  We were both cringing that we did such stupid things and how on earth did we overlook where we were when in walked Bailey.

We have no idea how much he overheard.  But the few sentences that were said seconds before he walked into the kitchen concerned whether or not I had just a top or just pants on that first day at our friends house.  Bo made the remark that either way he had access to something fun.  I saw Bo freeze and look in the door way then I hear "I need a drink".  Thus two adults giggled and hawed over the next few minutes as we realized we just got caught.  AND OMG WHAT DID HE HEAR.

He's 6.  He's a smart fella and he has always asked the right questions.  I can explain sex to a teen, but a 6 year old?  A teen gets penis and sex jokes and knows what a stiffy is.  A 6 year old doesn't and has a crappy sense of humor.  I can't tell jokes to my 6 year old!  I can't give goofy visuals to break the ice so the kid's comfy.  If I say you hang from the ceiling fan, clucking like a chicken with a bottle in your ass, the kid is going to think that really happens.  I'm going to have to rethink my tactics.

Dear Bailey, sex is something fun you do when you become an adult.  If you do it too early, then the girl's coochysnorcher will bite your winky off and eat it for breakfast.  It has to grow in properly before then or bye bye winky.  Sex is a funny tickle in your trunk and when it's done right it get's real happy and spits with joy.  But aim carefully, that shit stings the eyes.


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