Like last night, as I was trying to fall asleep I had this horrible image in my head and thoughts and gut wrenching fear when seconds before I was happily snuggling up against Bo. Those thoughts ruined it, making me lose my breath and get so uncomfortable I started wiggling and sighing. He knew something was up and asked what happened. I told him. Didn't want to say the words out loud so I slowly whispered them one by one, I will not pass them on here, because I hate saying the thoughts out loud and would rather just forget them. Except I can't.
I was so tired last night thankfully that it didn't last long and I was asleep fairly quickly, but in the not so bright light of today my mood is down. All because of my fantabulous imagination. I don't want to do housework, I don't want Jocelyn out of my sight and having Bailey at school has me all itchy and fidgeting. The fact that Bo is working....it's like trying to breathe through a thick blanket.
It's shitty to live inside your own nightmare. My brain is a diabolical bitch and I can't escape it without meds to shut it all up. I don't want to take anything. I want to get this under control on my own. I am stubborn when it comes to medication, in case you haven't noticed. You can take whatever you want, I'll support you, I'll even give it to my kids if I have to, but I would rather suffer through things than take meds.
It's all rainy and yucky today as if Mother Nature is matching to my mood...too bad it's only making it harder to be 'normal' today.
I have Pandora playing on my iPhone, I have my headset on, and I'm keeping the tunes light and happy. Otherwise I'll give in and bury myself under the covers and refuse to leave my safe cocoon until Bo comes home.
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I know the place. I know the feeling. I know the bed.
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