Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Icy awakening

The rain is coming down outside my window in constant sheets of icy droplets. I hate getting out in the cold weather, yet it’s my favorite time of the year. I write the most during the winter. It has nothing to do with being cooped up all the time; I do that all year long. I think it has to do with the crisp air, the fog of your breath, the crunch of dying leaves on the ground, the rebirth of the earth. That sensation that a magnificent creation is in the make. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person that feels this when outside during this time of the year. Its inspiring in some freezing you ass off in 30 below weather way. Maybe it’s because I am the queen of drawing dead trees and I have hundreds around me as models. I don’t know, but it awakens something inside of me, something large that has been curled up in a deep dark sleep, that rises to the surface with a loud roar.

I wrote a pathetic post yesterday because I was tired. I was so tired of having a handful of good days then boom I’m right back to where I didn’t want to be. I needed a good bitch fest yesterday, but since no one was around I turned it inward. I mentally kicked my own ass yesterday, all day. By the time I turned in last night, it showed on my face. I know that look; I have looked like that for years. It’s a face of pure desperation, of no hope, and self hatred. I haven’t seen that face in almost a week and I was shocked to see just how much my mental abuse affected me. When that is the face you see daily, for months at a time, you come to think that it is your normal face. You may hate to see yourself, but it’s how you think you have always looked. I tend to stay clear of mirrors because I hate the way I look so on those rare occasions where I was happy I didn’t pay close attention on how much my looks change. Today my face shows someone new. Someone, that for whatever reason, needed to kick her own ass just to feel better. Don’t ask, I don’t know why either.

The past two days have cut me down to the core. For whatever reason, I feel better for it.
This time it only lasted two days, one of the shortest depressed times I have ever had. I’m so thankful that it wasn’t longer. I am tired of feeling like shit all the time. I know this is the calm before the storm. That it’s not all uphill from here, and I will still hit rock bottom. I can handle it, I have lived there before. All I want is more happy days than sad ones. More days of clarity, happiness and inspiration. I can feel myself getting closer to a goal, what goal that is I don’t know yet.

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