Friday, November 17, 2006

Sands of time

There are times that you wish you have a pause button for life, so that nothing changes and everything sweet and happy will always remain. I wish I have one of those buttons many times throughout the day. Watching my son discover something new and smile up at me with that big smile of his just makes my heart melt. Hearing him learn a new word, or watching a habit form, is just so priceless I don’t want to forget them. I hate knowing I will, because that’s just what happens. I try to take pictures of him often, but the little man just loves the camera. To play with, not to get his picture taken. He’s at that stage where he has to do things on his own. There are times where I want a picture, but can’t get it because he’s chasing after me trying to grab the camera. My husband thinks it’s funny. I do at times, but dude sit down so I can document your childhood!

It’s not just the cute little things my son does that I want to savor, there is also my relationship with my husband. Our son definitely takes after him in doing funny things to make me laugh. I’m sure he’d hate me for recording him while he’s being goofy, big computer nerd that he is. But all those moments are important to me and I don’t want to forget them. He is always telling me how he thinks I’m beautiful, how sexy I am, and how much he loves me. That is my favorite. He doesn’t just say I love you, he says I love you like the birds love the sky, or if you counted every M&M that was ever created, and ever will be created it wouldn’t come close to how much I love you. He comes up with a new one daily and I just love it! He still loves me even though I have a mountain of emotions attached to me 24/7. He still finds me sexy although I’m chunky and he watched me give birth to our son. He finds me beautiful on days where I would win the ugliest person award. I am more than grateful for having him in my life. He has helped me through so much and I don’t know where to begin to thank him for it all. I want to keep track of it, of everything he has ever said, because I don’t want to forget it.

Of course I would love to pause things and rewind to see family members and friends who have passed. I would love to rewind to before my grandmother died, and take down all of our family history. To eat her cooking, to hear her laugh, to hug her just one more time. She is on my mind daily; I will never forget that wonderful woman. Or to see my uncle again, and hear his jokes and look through all of his card collections. Or to see my grandpa and ask him who he really is, since I was only 5 when he died. To go back to before my friend got into the car crash and beg him not to go. I have lost too many loved ones in a very short time. I wish I had paid more attention to the stories they told, I wish I had written down the names of our ancestors and where they came from. Now it’s a guessing game to find out who was in the WW1 or who the Indian Chief was. We have the names, but nothing else.

If only we had these buttons and could revisit the people and the places we loved. If only we could rewind just to remember what really happened. I have too many blank spots in my past that haunt me. I want to know what happened, but I don’t think I ever will. All I can do is write everything down now, and hope that nothing gets lost again.

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