Thursday, November 02, 2006

Positive Woman

I’m trying to be positive today. Its not working out, but at least I’m trying. I read books all the time that have main characters who are strong women. Like LKH (Laurell K. Hamilton) and her Anita Blake series. Anita is one tough cookie, she has confidence, and she’s just as bitchy as I am. I love that character. I am inspired by that character to be proud to be me and to be a better me. Sometimes I think “What would Anita do?” to get myself motivated. Because the sad reality is, I have no examples on what self confidence or self esteem is in the real world. Everyone in my family are the glass half empty, never will be full cause I suck, kind of people. I was never encouraged to love myself, let alone like myself. I was never encouraged to push myself to be a better person. I was told that I could only get certain jobs because dreaming bigger was a waste of time. I was told that to like how you look or who you were was being conceded. Well no its not. And I’m still dealing with that.

I talk to people all the time that have set a goal and achieved it. I am completely clueless on how to do it. Goals and dreams where considered stupid in my family. My dream is to be an author, hell I say I am, but I don’t really think it will happen. I have that voice inside my head that says I’m being stupid by dreaming so big. It has nothing to do with money or wanting to be famous, because I don’t want or need either. I want to write because that is what I love to do, and because I have so many ideas floating around my head that if I don’t get them out of me my head will explode. I can’t get inspired by my friends to set a goal and strive to achieve it. I might think for a few minutes that yeah I can do something like that, but I rarely do something to get the ball going. I might get inspired to write by someone or something, jot a few lines down and that’s it. I’m done, I can’t see how I can finish it or how anyone will enjoy it. I’m so sick and tired of feeling this way.

For today, I am Positive Woman. I will not look negatively at anything or anyone. I will not procrastinate so I can sit on my ass to play on the net. I will get my list of tasks done today because it will make me feel better and it will make the house feel better. Yes I said house. Think about it, if your house is cluttered and smelly how do you feel? Like shit right? If your house is clean and fresh then you feel good. The state of your house cheers you up or brings you down. So have a happy house folks, it will make a happier you. I will not look at myself in the mirror and think “Fat Ass walking” because all it does is make me more upset. I will try very hard to find something positive about the person I see. I’m still working on what that is, but I will find it damnit I know I will. I will play with my son instead of lounging on the couch thinking about doing it. I will dance to music while cleaning the house instead of shuffling my feet around like a zombie. I will get things done with a smile on my face because it is worth it. I am worth it. My husband and my baby are more than worth it. Are you with me?

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