Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Releasing the dragon

The dragon is kicking my ass again. I can’t hide it, I can’t ignore it and I can’t fight it by myself anymore. I hit a new low the other day, while brushing my teeth. Yes for some reason brushing my teeth made me have a complete breakdown. I don’t know why, but all at once I was slammed with one negative thought after another. I will so not talk about them; I do not want it to happen again. They were bad enough to turn a good day into a nightmare. When my husband came to bed I told him, because in the past when I get those thoughts out I feel better. But not this time, the more I talked the worse I felt. I ended up getting hysterical. So much so that he stayed home with me yesterday. He called and made me an appointment to find out what is going on. I couldn’t do it myself, hell I couldn’t even put words together to tell them what was going on. I’m relieved that it’s finally going to happen, that I can’t put it off any more because he won’t let me. But I’m mortified about talking to a complete stranger about all the shit in my head. Its ok on the blog, because no one knows who I am and that is what I want and need. Telling someone that will hear it all, without censors and can recognize me on the street is frightening.

I’m afraid he’ll want to put me on meds. I have a bad track record with them. They either do nothing and I get all the side effects, or magnify what is wrong in the first place. I have to change out my pain meds every few months because I start to get immune to them. A few years ago I became addicted to birth control! My old doctor couldn’t figure out why, but I literally had all the symptoms an addict has when in rehab. It took my friends pointing this out to me to realize what was going on, I didn’t even notice it. I do not want to take an anti-depressant only to have it back fire and have my symptoms get worse. I am afraid that will happen and almost dead set against taking anything. But at the same time, I want to feel better and if pills can help I want to give them a chance. I don’t know I’m scared either way. Who will I be if they work? I don’t know who I am, and never have because of this. Will I be better or worse? Will my husband still love me if I change completely? I don’t think they work that way but what if they do with me. I would much rather be worrying over the doors being locked, and getting out into the world than becoming someone new who no one likes.

I can’t let the dragon win anymore. It has consumed every part of me for as long as I can remember. And even then, it’s all a bunch of still life photos, and emotions instead of actual memories. Maybe this will help me; maybe I will finally be able to breath. Maybe I’ll be able to finish my books now. I don’t have high hopes that I will be instantly cured; I’m incapable of high hopes. All I want is to get through a week without breaking down, to get out of this damn house and experience life for once. I want to give my poor husband a break from this crazy woman he’s married to. I want to be happy, truly happy. Oh please let this work

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