Saturday, February 17, 2007

Blowing out the candles.

I know people who look at their birthday like it’s a plague. Its something nasty and they refuse to accept the fact that it is coming no matter what they do. Not me. My grandma taught me that you are only as old as you feel. Why dwell over the fact that you are no longer in your twenties, thirties, forties, etc? You are missing the big picture. Life. I look at my birthday and wonder what the next year is going to bring me. Who I am going to meet, who will I leave an impact on, what will I learn. To me that is what matters. Not who got me what and what can I exchange, blah blah fucking blah. Like when you are 80 and remembering your twenties you will still regret not exchanging the red pumps for the black ones. Seriously? You think that is important? Wow.

My grandma used to talk about all the things she didn’t get to do when she was younger and was the only person who encouraged me to go for my dreams. She never went to a dance, her parents forbade it. She didn’t get the chance to finish school; she had to quit and help raise her brother’s and sisters. My grandfather I don’t remember much about, I was only 5 when he died, but I still see him as a super hero. From what I’ve heard, the two of them weren’t madly in love or in love at all. To hear the stories that two of my favorite people were not happy together hurts. Listening to her talk about all the things she wished she had done and seen made me see what really is important in life. She never mentioned trivial items. She talked about the things we all take for granted, the things most of us don’t see as important. I tell myself daily, that I have to keep writing because I want it for her. I want to do something great, something memorable so that through me she can dance. I want it for you Grandma more than for myself.

I’m 25 that is half of 50. To some people that is a scary fact. I will admit, for a split second I thought oh shit. But then I remembered my grandma, and how she never once took things for granted because that was all she was ever going to get, and I smiled. Now I have 25 years behind me. Some were hell, and some were so wonderful I wish I could go back again. What is ahead of me? Where will I go? What will I see? It’s exciting to me, not scary. People who are older than me laugh at how I look at things. They tell me that this will all change when I’m 30 because then I’ll freak out like everyone else. I hope I don’t, I hope then I can still see the big picture and know what is important. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a tissue and some birthday sex

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