Sad

I feel like I’m on a see-saw, I’m up and down, happy and sad, pissed and determined. I’ve just had my second chemical pregnancy. Three babies lost. Three babies I never got to see, hold, touch, kiss goodnight….. I’m so lost, I don’t know what to do or how to fix how I feel. I’m on the verge of tears, yet I’m so pissed I’m shaking with the need to scream and hurt something. Even nice and medicated, it hurts.

It’s only been a week but it feels like a lifetime. I feel like it has been months of me living on the couch, unable to do anything and not wanting to see anyone. If it wasn’t for the munchkin I don’t think I’d get out of bed in the mornings. I thought if I kept myself busy with housework or projects it would help, but I just don’t care about any of it. I don’t see the point, I am hurting and washing the tub won’t help me. But locking myself away from everything and everyone won’t help either. Knowing how bad this hurts while medicated scares the shit out of me, because how bad would it be if I wasn’t. The dragon is kicking my ass right now; I’d be up in smoke if I wasn’t medicated. I wish I could just get through the smoke, get through this and come out ok. I just don’t know how to. Everything I did to get through the first miscarriage isn’t working this time. Nothing makes me feel better, I can laugh and smile but it isn’t real. I don’t feel it; it’s more of a habit than anything.

I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know when we’ll be able to try again. But I am aching for another baby. I don’t want to wait but I know I couldn’t handle another almost baby anytime soon….if ever.