Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Heads or Tails

My moods and thoughts are on this never ending roller coaster. One day I’m ready to try for another baby, the next I’m in tears because I don’t think I can take losing another one. I have days where I’m ready to go and get tons done, and then I have days where I just can’t get off the couch. I wish I could just go one way or another, this up and down is driving me insane.

Today is a day that I want to try, but I’m having a hard time staying busy, mainly because of a headache, stupid sinuses. I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t. I can’t hide from the munchkin, I can’t hide from Hubby, I can’t hide from me. I can’t hide from this knot of pain in my chest. But how to get through it, how do I make this pain go away? Do we try again and hope with every fiber of our beings that it takes? Do we have another baby to fill that void? Do I forget about it for a while and hope that it doesn’t take too long for me to become ready again? Do we focus on the munchkin until that pain fades? What do I do? Where is my damn eight ball?

This should be easy, it’s yes or no. Yes let’s have another baby, let’s fill our house with more love and joy. Or no, let’s wait until I can go a day without wanting to cry or scream, wait until I can truly breathe again, wait until the numbness finally takes over completely so I can’t feel anything. I’m so afraid of doing it and just as afraid not to. I’m thinking of doing what Hubby suggested, flipping a coin.

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