Friday, April 18, 2008

Slow and steady....

My world is still in a dark haze, but I’m struggling through it anyway. What is helping me? FlyLady, haha believe it or not. I have my morning routine, it’s simple and short and if I don’t do everything oh well. But it gets me up off the couch and moving. It keeps my mind focused for a little while on something other than the losses. The house isn’t clean, it’s not even close, but I am ok with that. Because I’m doing what I can, when I can and that is the best I can do.

I have this need to do something, all day long, something fun, educational and/or productive. I get started and then my energy just drops, my attention span is gone, and my mind gets ugly. I have great intentions, but this damn depression is hanging on with her talons and burning up those intentions. But I still try. I still get up and dressed, I make the beds, do a load of laundry and unload the dishwasher. Simple. When I have that itchy need to do something, I do it and I feel great for doing it. If I don’t feel like it I don’t, and I don’t feel bad for it. It isn’t much, but it’s something, it’s more than I was doing.

How can something so simple as making my bed keep me going? I don’t know. I really don’t, but it does. Seeing my bed made, with the decorative pillows arranged neatly, it makes me smile. I feel warm and cozy inside, instead of cold and so utterly empty. I see the clean laundry in the basket and I’m full of accomplishment that I am taking care of my family. When I get ready to make dinner and see all the dishes in the cabinets, I sigh with relief that everything is ready for me. This keeps me going.

What will tomorrow bring? I don’t know. Will I get through this? I hope so. But right now, my goal is my routines. It’s the only thing I can control.

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