Thursday, June 19, 2008

Rainy days......

Being pregnant should be a time of joy and sheer happiness, of goofy smiles and giggling over baby dreams. That is no where to be seen around here, at least not for me. I just can’t get into this pregnancy. I can’t connect to the baby, I keep changing my mind on the name, and I don’t even have the urge to buy baby stuff. I don’t understand why some of us have to go through the hell of miscarriages while others can have blissfully ignorant pregnancies. I’m 9 weeks and we just told our parents, mainly just in case something happens again so they’ll know finally why we keep going missing for weeks at a time. I’m already starting to show, and all it does is upset me because well I’m only 9 weeks, I should not have to be shopping for maternity clothing already, and two it isn’t a big enough sign for me to relax. I don’t know if once we hear the heartbeat if I’ll relax, or if feeling it move will help, hell I have a feeling I’ll need to hold the baby before I realize this is actually real. I am tired of pretending to be happy, I thought it would help me get there but its not. And now, people are really going to see something is wrong, because I don’t get excited talking about the baby, I don’t get excited about the baby stuff, I don’t have it in me.

I had something similar while pregnant with the munchkin, except I went inward and started living in my fantasy world. Nothing was real to me, not really. I remember waking up one day, I was around 8 months, and I was like HOLY SHIT THIS IS COMING OUT OF ME. It’s like I hadn’t truly thought of it before. I felt connected with him, but it took a while, I can’t remember how long exactly. Maybe this will change and one day it will hit me that I’m pregnant, that this is real and there is a life growing inside me. I want that day to be here. I want to feel that, I want that glow, that stupid goofy smile, ALL OF IT. I want to be crying tears of joy, not mind numbing pain.

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