Monday, August 04, 2008

Acrobat in training

At about 9 weeks I started feeling this ball of pressure on one side of my stomach and it would slowly move to the other before going away. I shrugged it off to weird gas, because we all know the beauty of pregnancy also equals lots of gas among other attractive things. Then it got stronger as the weeks went by and I began to worry that maybe I had this weird gas bubble stuck in my stomach and it was trying desperately to get out but couldn’t. I now know its Jellybean, running laps in my uterus. I thought it was the baby, hoped it was but didn’t want to get my hopes up. How in the world can a baby the size of a lemon cause so much discomfort and occasional pain? Imagine wrestling, one guy runs and slings himself off of the ropes on one side of the ring to hit the other side before pouncing on his opponent. This is what the baby is doing. When it reaches the side of my uterus it feels like its pushing its way out, then the feeling moves across to the other side of the uterus to do the same. I had this pressure sensation while pregnant with my son, but not until I was 6 months or more pregnant with him. I’m afraid of this baby, if it can do this now, is this active now when you are barely supposed feel it, how active and what will it do later on as it gets bigger? Oh shit.

On Friday I enter my 4th month, I’ve heard the heartbeat, and obviously I’m feeling it move, and yet I’m still disconnected. I don’t know what I need now to make me feel like I’m pregnant or that I’m a part of it. I feel like I’m still watching, like it’s a dream and I’m not really pregnant. I’m also terrified of the labor and delivery, which may have something to do with me keeping myself distant. I have to keep my mind moving and not focus on that part, it’s getting harder to do but I will not let this get me. I will fight it and I will win. Damnit I better.

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