Wednesday, October 15, 2008


This pregnancy has done wonders on me, physically and mentally, good and bad. Since stopping my happy pills, my OCD has returned but it’s not as bad as it used to be. Yay, yet still frustrating because its still there. I have new worries swimming in my head now, and I have days where no matter what kind of pep talk I give myself they won’t stop. But I have something to focus my OCD tendencies on, getting ready for Jellybean. The depression on the other hand has not shown up, so major tribal dance on that. Keeping my fingers crossed that it stays away for good. Then there are the physical side effects. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I wobble when I walk. I have a hard time getting up off the floor, out of bed and off the couch. I’m obsessed with food, I’ve gained 17lbs so far which is pretty on track so not too bad considering I obsess and fantasize about my next meal while eating my current one. Oh and I can’t forget, I can’t write.

No matter what I do, no matter how I try to inspire myself my mind is an absolute blank. So blank, that I’ve been working on this post for days because I cannot find anything to say really. I’ve had to make notes just to get this far. This means no journaling for either me or the kiddos. No working on my projects. No blogging. It’s both frightening and a relief. How a relief? I’m not sure exactly, except now I don’t have ideas screaming through my head 24/7 distracting me. Yet I miss writing, I miss that energy boost I get when I have an idea and have to write it down ASAP. I miss reading what I worked on the day before and getting excited about what’s going to come next. I miss that release I get when I’ve written something good. How I can feel relief when I miss it so much, is a mystery to me. Even reading isn’t as much fun as it used to be. This just makes me cringe with pain, no writing and very little reading what the hell is wrong with me.

I’m hoping that once Jellybean is here, and after my hormones return to semi normal I can pick up these two loves of mine again. If I have time that is. Two kids and me all day long alone in the house. SCARY. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this, I hope Jellybean is as mild and easy as Munchkin has been. Although according to the ultrasound we had a few days ago, it’s a girl and we all know how dramatic and demanding they can be.

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