Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It's back......

Forty-four days until my due date. I wanted to journal as much as I did last time. Nope. I wanted to take weekly or monthly photos so I could see just how much I grew, because last time my camera was crap and none of the pics from my pregnancy or the first weeks of Munchkin’s life turned out. Nope. I’m frustrated and sad that I haven’t documented this pregnancy like I had wanted. I realize I didn’t write in my journal or take a picture that day as I’m lying in bed at night. During the day these thoughts never cross my mind, but let the sun go down and boom I remember what I should have done. This is important to me and I’m just letting the days go by and not following through with it. I’ve come to realize that the depression is still here. What is important to me is being forgotten until the moment I can’t do anything about it, and I kick my ass for it. It’s what I did every day all those years before I got help. I hate even saying it, it feels like an excuse, but it’s true. The depression kept me from having fun, from wanting to have fun, from enjoying anything, from not doing things that made me feel good or smile, etc. it made me lie on the couch day after day and do nothing. I’m back there. I don’t have the bad thoughts though; I’m just not doing anything. It’s very confusing because my head is not ugly like it was before. I’m happy, I’m excited about the baby FINALLY, I’m loving my life and yet I’m once again not doing the things I love. I don’t know what’s more frustrating, the fact that I can’t do the stuff I want to and it’s all just a mental block or the fact that I don’t have the energy or stamina to fight myself into doing it.

Forty-four days until my due date, and I’m going to try hard to post more, to journal more and to take pictures. Although now after 13 weeks of no pictures it’s sort of redundant, but I’m still going to try to remember. I’m going to make my To Do lists once again, and on those lists these two things will be included. We’re down to the last 6 weeks, which means lots of scrambling to get things ready, rearranged, cleaned and purchased. It’s stressful, and I’m sure that with that I will forget, but that’s a better excuse than I just did nothing all day and ‘forgot’ to do it.

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