Friday, April 17, 2009

I’ve been having that loopy feeling all day long since Tuesday. This is the longest I’ve had it be a constant pain in the butt. Normally it comes and goes throughout the day, and it still is except before I’d have long periods of time without feeling weird now I’m having a few minutes here and there. I keep telling myself I go in on Monday and we’ll get things going to find out what is wrong with me. Except Monday feels like forever. I’ve counted down daily and still no help in relieving the anxiety to get it all over with. I’ve finally come to terms with taking happy pills and I’m anxious to get back on them and start feeling ‘normal’ again. I want to have a day of not worrying, of no OCD moments and finding ways to get my mind to stop repeating itself and I want to feel better. The constant over and over worry/thoughts make me tired and blah feeling. It also makes me moody, and with a newborn and a three year old that makes for one hell of a day. I snap at Bailey all day and I hate doing it. It’s not his fault I feel like this and it’s not his fault that he’s a typical half-baked 3 year old. I seem to apologizing all day to him for being mean or for not playing with him. It hurts to know he’s now old enough to remember things, that when he’s an adult he’ll remember how I was either not feeling good or busy doing something and didn’t have time or energy to play with him and how grouchy I got at times. I want a normal day, and at this point the only thing that can make that happen is medicine.

Yesterday I felt better than I did on Wednesday yet I felt worse. I got a good night’s sleep so I wasn’t as exhausted, but that’s it. I don’t know if this feeling is getting worse or if I’m making it worse by my anxiety, because it seems to be much stronger than it was. After dinner last night I was so dizzy and loopy I had to put Jocelyn down because I was afraid I’d drop her. I didn’t feel like I was capable of holding her, how scary is that?! I ended up lying down for an hour or so and I felt better, the ickyness was still there but my head wasn’t almost hurting with the sensation anymore. As long as I don’t move a lot or fast its not so bad, but the more I move and the more things I do the worse I feel. How am I supposed to do that with two kids to take care of? How am I supposed to keep up with housework? I’m doing the bare minimum with both of them, as sad as that is and it’s still wearing me out. The house is terrible; our clothes are piled so high we have been wearing the same things over and over because that’s all I can manage to wash. We’ve been eating out way too much because I can’t make dinner. Whatever this is, it’s disrupting everything I do to the point that I’m practically doing nothing just to get through the day.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Nikki, it's Niki from SG.
I've wanted to post on here for the last couple of days, but between a new baby and not knowing exactly what to say, it's taken me a couple of days.
I wanted to say that although I don't have OCD, I do come from a long line of worriers, so I have a slight glimpse into the world you live in. I worry about if my daughter (Tori) is breathing at night in her bassinet; I worry about something happening to me, leaving my family to survive without me; I worry about my husband (Justin) driving/biking to work; I worry about someone harming the members of my family; I worry about most things big and small, and although most of the time i can shake the feeling of dread, some days its debilitating... some days i just lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

When I think about you and the friendship we've been able to build through our respective grief, I think of how blessed I have become. Even though you live across the country from me, I feel very fortunate to have you in my heart. I know that I'm not alone in my insanity, and that's something that I wasn't sure anyone else shared.

I'll definately come and visit you here in the Cafe... two nuts in the same tree.