Wednesday, April 15, 2009

OCD at its best

I haven’t been feeling right for almost a month now. Thanks to my OCD, I can’t get over the feeling that it’s something horrible. It’s not normal to be dizzy or lightheaded almost all the time, it’s especially not normal to feel disconnected, disoriented and loopy. I feel like I did when I first started taking happy pills, like I’m observing everything and the room will shift from time to time, except I’m not taking anything. I feel weak and exhausted, and that could be entirely from my weird sleep schedule thanks to little miss Jocelyn. I can’t focus or concentrate on things, and I am struggling to remember things. In fact, this could all be because of crazy sleep, possible dehydration (I’m rarely thirsty so I’m maybe getting 16oz of fluids a day most of the time) and/or even my hormones still trying to get back on track. It could even be that for the last 8 months I’ve been wearing my glasses that are two prescriptions behind and didn’t get up to date contacts until Monday. But in my head its not, in my head it’s the worst possible reason. That’s the fun part about my OCD, because I know it could be something simple and more than likely is but I can’t stop worrying about it and the more I worry the bigger the problem becomes. And the more depressed I get, and the more terrified I get. Last night I told Bo just how terrified I’ve become, I bawled for a good two hours because I didn’t feel like he really got what I was saying and kept telling him over and over again what was in my head. I told him that I sit and worry that I’m going to die by myself during the day and everything that could happen to the kids before he gets home. It’s not a how would this situation be handled it’s a this is going to happen kind of thought. I get scared; I start to cry and have to hide so Bailey can’t see it. I am spending way too much time buried in my books or playing online games to avoid these moments and it’s not helping. I know he understood what I was saying, but I couldn’t stop repeating it.

I keep telling myself that if it was something that serious it would be getting worse, way worse and I wouldn’t go back and forth on feeling loopy all day one day to only a time or two the next. It seems to be worse after I’ve done a lot around the house or after a weekend of lots of running around. If it’s my hormones or dehydration that would explain it, because my activity is inconsistent so the day after I’ve done something more than usual I tend to feel crappy. It isn’t always the case but it’s happened enough that we both notice it. It also happens if I have a bad nights sleep, like I did last night and now I feel crappy again (yesterday I felt bad too, Monday we had checkups for the munchkins and was on the go all day plus having a long weekend of running here and there). I keep reminding myself that I have to have facts, details and proof on everything, except for this. Whenever my mind finds something to worry about I keep going until I make myself sick with fear. It doesn’t go with the way my mind normally works; it makes no sense how I can automatically be convinced of something bad without the proof. I see it, yet I can’t stop it. I’m not a hypochondriac but I’m damn close to it. I also keep telling myself that I’ve done this many many times and I’ve been wrong all those times except once. And somehow I believe my intuition is accurate everytime.

I’m sitting here on the verge of tears today, I’m so exhausted it’s a struggle to stay awake (my own fault for keeping us up until midnight crying), my head is spinning, I’m light headed, the room keeps shifting and my mind is going 90 to nothing that something is horribly wrong with me. That we won’t catch it in time. That somehow Bo will think its his fault because he talked me out of a panic attack that had a reason. That my poor son will be terrified when he can’t wake me up and how badly that is going to affect that little boy forever. What will he do when Jocelyn starts crying and I won’t wake up, what will he do??? That I won’t get to grow old with Bo. How I’ll be leaving him with two kids and how hard it’s going to be for him to find a way to go on. That I won’t see my kids grow up, get married and put their stamp on the world. All the things I’ve wanted to do but put off because I didn’t have faith in myself or because I was afraid to even try. I’m so busy with these thoughts that I can’t remember if I fed my son lunch. I can’t remember if I changed Joss’s diaper before I laid her down for her nap. I need to make a grocery list for Bo and I can’t concentrate to remember what we need. I have the recipes in front of me but I just can’t focus long enough to remember what it is that we need. It’s in front of my face and I still can’t remember. I’m terrified I’m right and we’ll shrug this off as nothing because of my OCD. I’m terrified that if we were just one day sooner I would have been ok. I’m terrified and no matter how I try to talk myself down it’s not going away.

I have an appointment on Monday to see my doctor. I do not want to stop breastfeeding to take happy pills, but I will if I have to. Bo keeps reminding me how badly the kids need me and if I don’t get help now, they will pay for my stubbornness. My mental health is important, he tells me. I know he’s right, but my heart is breaking that because of my messed up brain I may have to stop breastfeeding. Let’s hope that Monday brings good news so I can stop worrying about leaving my family.

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