Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The real me......

I started this blog to help me get my thoughts out. To help me get my OCD under control and not shut away inside my head. I started out doing what I had planned but it didn’t last long. I’ve had many ups and downs that I never posted about, I stayed away instead. I posted some of what was really going on but not all. I think because I am still hiding from my dragon. I invented a name for myself, and for my family, so I’ve never really been me here. In the beginning I did this just in case people started to read my blog, I didn’t want people to know who I was because I didn’t want to write something about someone and it get back to them. This was my outlet to get things out that I was ashamed of telling everyone or something that would make a situation worse. The intentions were well and good, but I think its come back to bite me on the ass. Because after reading all my posts, I realized that it was only a sliver of what was going on in most of them. I sugar coated what was going on, and I was the only one reading this blog, to my knowledge.

It adds one more item to my “What Scare’s me” list. I can’t even be 100% honest with myself, on an anonymous blog. That’s bad. That’s worse than I thought. I knew I was struggling to write, I couldn’t get my thoughts in order to make much sense. Then I just forgot to write. I look at it now and I see that it could be because I’m not writing. I’m not getting things out like I need to and its causing things to pile up. I have so much on my mind I can’t focus anything, so when I try to write about the dragon in my head instead of one thing its EVERYTHING that comes out. I’m not a professional writer, or do I even try to be a good one, but I know good reading is not a garbled mess. That’s all I can seem to write these days. I think I’ll try addressing each issue individually instead of trying to do one blog for the entire day or week. Hopefully that will help me get what I need to say out easier. Never hurts try I suppose.

My first step is to stop being Annalise and to start being Nikki.

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