Heart ache

Growing up I knew I wanted to be a mom and I wanted three kids. It’s always been that number, I guess because my parents had three. After Bo and I got married we always said we’d see, but he would be happy with only two. Once Bailey was born I started to change my mind on three, labor wasn’t that much fun to go through it three times. But now Jocelyn is here, and I don’t feel like I’m done. I feel like there is another baby or two out there waiting for us. Sadly there is a slim chance this will happen and my heart is aching.

My midwife, my husband and some family members agree that two is plenty for me. That it wouldn’t be wise for me to go through that again because of my anxiety. Logically I know they are right, that the toll of another possible miscarriage or pregnancy would be bad for me mentally and more than likely make what I’m already dealing with worse. But I hurt thinking that she is our last baby. I can’t bring myself to say the words to Bo to go get fixed. I can’t say them. If I think them I get teary. I’ve told him how I feel and he understands, but he says he’s protecting me by saying no more. Again I know he’s right, but I can’t shake this feeling that we’re not done.

I know the pro’s and con’s, I know the con’s by far out way the pro’s for having another baby, but it doesn’t help. I know that the things I want for my kids will be impacted by having more. I know that I do not want them to feel left out and sadly that would happen if we had more. My plan all along had been to be done with having babies by the time I’m 30, and with us waiting as long as we did and add the space I’d like between them, that won’t happen. We do not want to struggle financially, and the more munchkins we have the higher the chances are. But more importantly, I know I couldn’t physically or mentally handle three or even four kids. I’m struggling with two very easy children as it is, adding more, well I may as well shoot myself. Even knowing all this, I want another baby if not two more.

My heart and my head are fighting right now. I can’t make up my mind. I think Bo’s is already made up so in the end it may not matter what decision I make. I don’t want this to be an issue between us, I don’t think it will ever become one, but it’s never good when one wants something the other is against. A part of me hopes he just goes and gets it done without me saying to, because the option would be taken away from me. But what would happen if we both decide we want more, he goes into have it reversed and its too late?