Thursday, May 07, 2009

Wolf! Wolf!

I’m stuck in a never ending cycle and I’m drowning. I have so much that I’m trying to do because I have to and I can’t follow through with any of it. I can’t keep the momentum going and I can’t keep my focus. Part of that problem are my happy pills, they keep me jumping from one thing to another more than usual. It makes it difficult for me to focus long enough on something, and then I take over and give up.

I started Weight Watchers again almost a month ago. I have to get my weight under control again. I’ve been stuck at the same weight for a little over 2 months. If I wasn’t such a funky build it wouldn’t be so bad, but I can’t find a size of jean that fit. The size I have to wear falls off of me, but the size lower I can’t zip. How that’s possible I do not know. This is a dilemma I seem to have more than I’d like, but this time it’s majorly different. Normally it’s just a little loose or a little tight, enough to annoy me, but now its very very tight vs very very loose. I have one pair of jeans that I can wear, the only pair I’ve found that work, everything else is either too big or too small. I think it’s a fluke pair. I’m sick and tired of yanking my pants up ever two steps. I’m tired of trying to find shirts that cover the fact that my jeans are so low or that my belt is belted so tightly the jeans are bunching up. I want clothes that fit me. The first two weeks I did great, lost 6lbs. The third week came along and I forgot to log my food or even pay that much attention to what I’m eating. Most of the time I’m not eating enough and I’m not drinking enough, I know this and I know that’s bad for breastfeeding. But I forget. Bedtime comes along and I’m still drinking on my first bottle of water and I smack myself on the forehead. I have to be eating enough and drinking enough for Jocelyn, and right now I’m not. I’m doing a shitty job of it. But I can’t keep focused on it long enough to keep it going.

It seems I’m always telling someone I’m cleaning and yet my house is a wreck. I was asked once how it’s possible to always be cleaning yet have a messy house. That’s because it’s me doing it. Flylady is a godsend but I can’t keep the process going for very long. Growing up cleaning was a punishment. I’d get into trouble for not doing it right or doing it fast enough. When I start cleaning, I get mad and I think of all the things I could be doing instead. All the fun things I could be doing but no I have to clean the toilet. Then I start thinking how bad I am at cleaning, how I do it wrong every time or not fast enough. I’m 27 years old and I still get mad when I clean, after all this time you would think I’d have moved on from this but nope. Because I’m mad while cleaning I do a bad job, and I don’t finish any one task I just keep moving through the house half finishing, half ass cleaning one area and then the next. So I’m always cleaning but you can’t tell that I’ve done anything. Right now our laundry is so backed up poor Bo has to dig for socks and underwear in the giant pile of clothes sitting on our cedar chest. Most of his new work shirts are at the bottom of the dirty clothes pile, so he’s wearing the same shirts over and over again. Jocelyn and Bailey have plenty of clean clothes, crammed in their baskets. Then there’s me, I forget to get my stuff so I’m left with pj’s or what I wore the day before. How in the world Bo still finds me sexy while wearing pj’s and clothes far too big on me I do not know. My floors haven’t been vacuumed or mopped in forever, there’s places where dust is inches thick, I have dirty bathtubs, dirty toilets……the list goes on and on and on. If I don’t get a hold of this soon, we’re going to be eaten up by the shit living in this house.

We have a list of projects that never seems to get anywhere. We have cabinets to fix, rooms to paint, garage to empty, things to put in storage, and other odds and ends to get to. I admit most of this is more on Bo than me, and the poor man works his butt off at work then comes home to help me get somewhere on the cleaning, its no wonder he never gets around to the projects. We are both great at procrastinating and because we do this that damn list keeps growing. I look at the list and instead of seeing it one item at a time I see it as a whole, like I have cleaning, babies, and 100’s of projects all to do right this second and it blows me away and I give up before even starting anything. Poor Bo is left to try to find time in his busy schedule to do it on his own.

I’ve never been good at organizing, except for my books or my writing. That is the only area I can organize, go figure. It shows in my house, it shows in my kids, it shows in everything that I do that I am not organized. I’m lazy and I know it. I spend way too much time playing games on the net or reading instead of doing the things I need to do. I make lists for myself, which is far too much fun for me, but when I look at these lists I cannot see it as individual tasks. I try to do it all at once and I crash and burn. I think maybe if I write everything that I need to do down that would help me focus, nope I see it as a whole. I think well maybe writing three things down for each day to do won’t be so daunting, nope because those 3 things doesn’t get me anywhere because there’s so much more to do. So then I try not writing anything down and just doing the first thing that I think of, but again it gets me no where. I’ll have a few days where I get my crap together and get stuff done and then I have a week or two of nothing. It’s not one step forward two steps back, its more like 10 steps back for me. Not to mention if I set myself a schedule the slightest thing that comes up throws my entire day off, I can’t seem to get back on track if something comes up that wasn’t on my schedule. My biggest enemy is myself, and part of my problem is I just don’t see that I can do anything perfect enough. So that makes me mad, then I don’t do it or halfway do it and it makes more of a mess. I’ve done this to myself, I know I have but how in the world can I stop this?

I’m good at making goals, I’m good at coming up with ideas, I’m bad with following through with anything. I told Bo over the weekend the only things I’ve ever done all the way through is finishing school, marrying him and having the kids. Everything else I’ve given up on, everything else I’ve screwed it up so badly it had to be burned. I hate saying ok so this is my plan now, although I want to, because I know that it won’t happen. But this is one of those “If a tree fell in a forest with no one around does it still make a sound” kinda things. By automatically thinking I have failed before I start it, I set myself up to fail. I hate saying this is my plan/goal and then getting excited about it all the while kicking myself for not having it in me to do it, then failing and kicking myself again for being right. I’m that boy who cried wolf, no one wants to hear me say guess what I’m doing now anymore. I need to change my way of thinking, I need to get a handle on my life before I get so behind and so low that I bring others with me. But how?

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