Wednesday, November 18, 2009

What might have been

I just noticed the date a little while ago and it dawned on me what might have been. If I hadn’t had one or both miscarriages, I would have a one year old right now. Not only that, if I hadn’t had my first miscarriage back in 2004, I would have an almost 5 year old. I know it’s not healthy to think like that. But it’s hard not to.

The first one we saw on an ultrasound. There was a baby. A baby that we didn’t name because we couldn’t. I wish we had, and we still could but I’m not sure that it would help with the closure. We remember it every January 10th because that was my due date. The other two was a whirlwind and I know my due dates were something like September 23rd and November 25th or something to that extent. My head was so cloudy that I truly can’t remember the dates and that makes me feel terrible. These two were chemical pregnancies as some call them, or a blighted ovum. I was pregnant long enough to get a positive test but for whatever reason the pregnancy ended soon after. These two, for sure no baby formed or even had a chance to form. But still they are babies to me.

I have two beautiful children, that mean the world to me and I’m so very thankful to have them in my life. But what about the three I lost? What about them? They never had a chance. They never had a heartbeat. They never got to live.

Some say things like it wasn’t really a life. If that works for you, then great, knock yourself out. But it hurts like a bitch to think they weren’t ‘a life’. Ok, I can handle it wasn’t meant to be, but still it hurts to hear this. If it wasn’t meant to be, then why did I get pregnant? Why did that test say positive? It shouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t meant to be. But obviously it wasn’t, because it ended. They ended, all three of them.

I feel bad for thinking about them because it doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for Bailey and Jocelyn. I feel bad because if those losses hadn’t happened then they wouldn’t be here. But not thinking about them, not remembering or missing or aching for them, what does that mean? It means they didn’t happen. That they didn’t matter. And that is not true. They meant a great deal. They mattered to me, and to Bo. They still matter even if only a few people acknowledge they existed even if it was only for a moment or two.

I can tell myself over and over that Bailey and Jocelyn just weren’t ready yet. That the angels were still putting the finishing touches on them, and I jumped the gun before they were ready. I can tell myself that those losses weren’t losses that they were things just getting prepared for the munchkins to be here in their right time. I can tell myself this, and it doesn’t help. It doesn’t make it easier to think about them. It doesn’t make that feeling of devastation knowing I never got to see, touch or hear them go away.

You add on this ache I have inside me to have more kids, and it’s no wonder I have to burry myself in research, reading, writing, and all around nonsense to get through my day without crying or screaming. I’m missing out on my childrens lives because I’m so hurt by the ones I lost. I’m so hurt by the thought of not having more. I’m struggling with my dragon on a daily basis. All this going on in my head, non stop 24/7, driving me mad and all I can do is bury myself in mindless crap to get through.

The pills aren’t enough. I’m still missing out on my life, on my family’s life. On everything good and happy that is around me. The dragon loves happy thoughts, it gobbles them up like M&M’s. I have a great marriage, two great kids, a home, food on the table and warmth, I have a happy life that I can’t enjoy. Can anyone tell me how that happens? How you can have what you need in life, want in life, and it makes you happy yet you can’t be happy?

1 comment:

-MissC* said...

I remember your first one really clear. I remember how we joked that you got pregnant right when you discovered MaiTais. I remember you calling me those three months later telling me that He was gone. I felt so empty and lost and I couldn't be there to hug you and cry with you.I remember crying at work for days after that. Don't think that a misscarriage happens for a reason my love. TO be honest...that's what Satan wants you to think..because then it makes you doubt God. A loving and just God would never have someone lose a child for any reason. There is a scripture in Psalms where it says that God saw even the Embryo of us in formation. That means to soon as your babies were conceived they were people to him. And they are safe in his memory. I promise.