Thursday, March 25, 2010

Getting ever so close

Bo is on his way to his second appointment of getting Mr. Snippy. 

It’s getting easier coming to terms with this since it wasn’t a fast progression, but it still hurts and makes me sad.  I don’t like the permanent thing of this procedure, not the surgery as a whole in general just the fact that its happening to us.

I don’t have to go into why this bugs me or hurts since I’ve done that enough times that I’m sure you all get it and are at that point of SHUT UP NIKKI.  Everyone I’ve talked to, I admit hasn’t been many, that their husband has had this done, are 100% on board, no one can relate to me wanting more.  It makes me feel alone and more like a freak that I have issues with this.  I know I’m not the only one out there that wasn’t thrilled when their spouse got “fixed”.  I can’t be, but where are they in my circle of friends and family?  Are you hiding it and trying to be all macho?

We’re both oddly hoping the doc will say hey lets do this tomorrow morning and get it over with, so I will stop hoping he changes his mind and he can get all the stress and nervousness over.  I feel for him, I know this is a big deal (he has more than just a snip to be done, that can’t wait either) and I try very hard not to make comments about wishing he wouldn’t or is he really sure this is what he wants.  I’ve done much worse though, I’ve said things like well this wasn’t my decision and I’m sorry this is tough on you but you decided to do it.  It doesn’t help at all, and I try not to make things worse, but its hard.  It’s so hard when all I want to do is beg and plead for him not to do this, just one more baby.  I know he’s right and he’s being the smart one but I can’t help it.  It doesn’t help my cause, when I promise him I won’t hate him for this decision and then I say well it wasn’t my decision and you know how I feel.  I won’t hate him, I don’t hate him, I hate me for being the reason he has to do this.  It’s my fault and I hate me for that, never could I hate or be angry at him.  He’s protecting me, us and there is nothing to hate about that.  I’ve told him these things, he’s been married to me now for almost 10 years, he should know by now I hate myself for how I am, I hate myself enough that there isn’t much leftover for anyone else.  I’m the burden, I’m the crazy wife who can’t do simple every day tasks by herself, who would lose what little sanity she has left if she went through trying to conceive,pregnancy and delivery again.  I’m the guilty one, not the one whose trying to prevent a disaster

Today is just a consultation with an Urologist, an exam maybe, and setting up a date for surgery.  I guess since its one step away from the BIG day, he’s so nervous and stressed by this, acting like he’s never acted before, and I hate seeing him like that.  I want it over with ASAP, so he doesn’t have to feel like this anymore.  I’ll deal with my crap, its just any other day for me and my issues.  He needs more support to get through this, and I suck at that right now.

4 comments:

Cheryl said...

1. You shouldn't think those things about yourself...
2. You're awesome.
3. I hope the surgery went well.

Heather said...

I agree with #1. I get it's hard. There are days when I wanted to cut myself just to see if I could feel (I just admitted this to my husband).

I agree with #2 (this Cheryl is very smart). You are awesome.

And the surgery should go great. I didn't want Marc to get a vasectomy until our 2nd was 2 (just in case something happened, I wanted a chance to have 2 more). Well, we had 2 more and now we have 4. Insanity is part of that bargain. lol. It's tough to decide that we are done...done...done. And know that you will look back and find peace with this decision.

Nikki said...

Thanks guys! Really thank you ever so much for that.

We were talking about this last night, and I feel better about it, but still I hate that this has to happen, and its all because of me. But I do know, I'd end up with 40 children because I love that newborn cuddle time, the nursing and feeling the baby kick/move. It's either now when we can handle them, or later when we're so frazzled we can't see straight..I choose now, but its still hard.

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