Monday, March 01, 2010

My twisted mind

Last week we got Frost, aka Polar Bear, clipped.  He seems to not mind that his ‘boys’ are gone, as he acts no different.  Riddick on the other hand was sad and very clingy for a few days.  Frost, is like “What balls?  Did you throw a ball?  I want to play with a ball? BALLS!”.

But the snipping of one balls reminded us of the snipping of others.  I have reminded Mr. Bo weekly since Jocelyn has been born.  I’m sure you’re wondering why I’d do this since I’m not thrilled with the idea.  Well that’s because in my head, the longer he waits the more I convince myself that maybe he does want more.  I reminded him again….probably during the time Frost was losing his.  And he finally made the appointment. 

I have to say, my mood dropped after he made the phone call.  I went from being in a good mood to feeling like my world was crashing down.  I wanted to crawl under my blanket and sleep it away.  It was like, up until that moment I hadn’t realized it would happen.  I thought that he’d change his mind, that he’d be willing to forget the reasons why we shouldn’t and focus on a teeny baby instead.  Because that’s what I do.  He was shook up afterwards himself but mainly because now the idea was real for him.  He’d lose his balls too.

I had to explain to him why I was so upset, and he was almost willing to cancel.  How do you explain that you want another baby so bad you can feel them laying on you chest but know that its not the right thing to do?  How do you make someone you love believe you when you say you won’t blame them or hate them for making this permanent decision when your not on board?  It was tough.  I hope, I think, he finally understood, since he didn’t cancel.  It’s hard to explain even to myself.  He’s right, I couldn’t mentally handle another pregnancy.  It would add on to my stress, my anxiety and that affects us all.  It wouldn’t be healthy for me, the baby, our kids or us as a couple.  I struggle daily with two, I beat myself up for not being Supermom on a daily basis, and having three would be pure hell and I can’t do that to Bailey and Jocelyn, or Bo.  Knowing this though, it doesn’t take away that need to have another.  To feel a baby kicking inside is beyond amazing.  To hold them for the first time, is incredible.  That closeness that you only get with a newborn.  Ahhhh… 

But the worst part, is that I’ve had dreams every night since of babies.  I find out I’m pregnant, or I’m big with a baby and I feel it moving, or I just had one and I can feel it laying on my chest as if its real.  EVERY. FREAKING. NIGHT.  That makes it rough to get up and stay positive during the day.  It makes that need grow, and makes me sad knowing we can’t. 

The good side of this, is we have adoption if later on Bo says he’s ok with more.  We can give a child a home, a family and the love it needs.  I want to adopt, always have, and its something I look forward to.  It doesn’t diminish that need for another of our own, but it helps.  It helps enough, especially if I keep it at the top of my lists of things to worry/think about.

No comments: