Thursday, April 22, 2010

Plain old frustration

Now that the weather is nice, Bailey has been asking every so sweetly to ride his bike around the block. But Bo is unable to walk very far, and I’ve cleverly skirted the topic. But oh no he remembers that I said we’d go, and today reminded me that we didn’t go yesterday or the day before or the day before and he’d really like to go around the block. I couldn’t say no to that face again, but I did ask Bo to go with us even though he stayed home today from being very sore and swollen (due to pushing over our giant dog and later Bailey yanking away when Bo was holding on to him). His response was “If I could do that, I wouldn’t have stayed home today”. Great just great.

When things like this come up, it makes me so frustrated and mad at myself because this isn’t hard. This isn’t anything that normal parents don’t do on a daily basis. Except it’s something I have issues doing. Taking my son for a ride around the block, starts my anxiety soaring. It’s a freaking walk Nikki, come on! But in my head it’s not just a walk, its everything that could happen to us on that walk, will someone help us in time, will anyone know something happened, how long would it take for Bo to realize something was wrong…..on and on the thoughts crashed through my head and we hadn’t even put our shoes on. I was almost shaking by the time we left, and it was tough pretending excitement when he was so happy to go with me.

Not far from the house I started to relax, which at first freaked me out and set me on a whole other level of what the crap is going on. But I eventually told myself to shut up and enjoy the trip. I realized it had been ages since Bailey had gotten to ride his bike. It made me sad, because as children Bo and I both rode daily, and he doesn’t get that chance. It was tough going just me and him, but if I brought Jocelyn along, during the day when Bo was at work, well there’s no way I could do that just thinking of it makes me sweat. Bo gets home its dinner and clean up, then it’s ready for baths and bedtime. Weekends are the only opportunity he really has to go riding. It breaks my heart that’s all he gets, and it hurts even more knowing it is all because of the crap in my head.

In the past the panic wouldn’t stop until after everything was over, and today just a few minutes in I was better. Even during Bo’s surgery wasn’t so bad, after he was wheeled off to surgery anyway. The pills are doing something, at least its stopping it from happening the entire time but I still experience the panic and anxiety. I want to know what it’s like to do something as simple as taking Bailey around the block without having a breakdown of sorts. I have to hold on to that hope that one day, we’ll figure out what I need to fully work for me and all this will go away completely. If not go away completely, then find a way to work through these attacks, that would be better than what I’m still experiencing.


Anonymous said...

It was so awesome to read this post and see that you are giving yourself the gift of watching yourself without harm or criticism. I can totally relate to everything you go through because I experience it when I have to drive anywhere myself. Not even having a GPS managed to calm me down for ages and I still have the homeopathic calming tablets in my bag for when I'm off to somewhere new and my leg starts to shake so much that I can't control the brakes.

I hope the walk was magical and the fresh air did you good!

Brianne said...

Hi, following from MBC!!

Nikki said...

Anonymous- you have to tell me what homeopathic calming tablets you use because I've never heard of those! Ha funny huh? I've used Sprite and peppermint candy to help my nerves. The walk did me good, thank you. Thanks for sharing your experience, I can relate to that too. Hugs! And thanks for stopping by ;)

Hey Brianne! Thanks for following!!! MBC rocks, LOL!

Blommi (formerly reddoggie) said...

Keep at it, sometimes repetition can lessen the anxiety, and exercise is supposed to be good for depression too. You bravery in sharing this is commendable.

Now following you from MBC.

Turning the Clock Back said...

Hey there! Just stopped by to check out the blog...very nice! Found you through MBC FFF. Come follow back if you get the chance!


Nikki said...

Welcome you too!!

WarsawMommy said...

Oh, that must be so hard... I don't kow anything about this, but I read that beathing exercises can help. Do they? Or is that just bunk to fool the credulous??

Nikki said...

It does help, some better than others. Normally noise doesn't bother me but in those times it has to be quiet for me to concentrate enough on the breathing for it to do me any good. The noise just fuels the anxiety somehow.

But thanks for the suggestions. There are things that I need to keep trying to find the right mix to work. Reminders are very helpful ;)