Plain old frustration

Now that the weather is nice, Bailey has been asking every so sweetly to ride his bike around the block. But Bo is unable to walk very far, and I’ve cleverly skirted the topic. But oh no he remembers that I said we’d go, and today reminded me that we didn’t go yesterday or the day before or the day before and he’d really like to go around the block. I couldn’t say no to that face again, but I did ask Bo to go with us even though he stayed home today from being very sore and swollen (due to pushing over our giant dog and later Bailey yanking away when Bo was holding on to him). His response was “If I could do that, I wouldn’t have stayed home today”. Great just great.

When things like this come up, it makes me so frustrated and mad at myself because this isn’t hard. This isn’t anything that normal parents don’t do on a daily basis. Except it’s something I have issues doing. Taking my son for a ride around the block, starts my anxiety soaring. It’s a freaking walk Nikki, come on! But in my head it’s not just a walk, its everything that could happen to us on that walk, will someone help us in time, will anyone know something happened, how long would it take for Bo to realize something was wrong…..on and on the thoughts crashed through my head and we hadn’t even put our shoes on. I was almost shaking by the time we left, and it was tough pretending excitement when he was so happy to go with me.

Not far from the house I started to relax, which at first freaked me out and set me on a whole other level of what the crap is going on. But I eventually told myself to shut up and enjoy the trip. I realized it had been ages since Bailey had gotten to ride his bike. It made me sad, because as children Bo and I both rode daily, and he doesn’t get that chance. It was tough going just me and him, but if I brought Jocelyn along, during the day when Bo was at work, well there’s no way I could do that just thinking of it makes me sweat. Bo gets home its dinner and clean up, then it’s ready for baths and bedtime. Weekends are the only opportunity he really has to go riding. It breaks my heart that’s all he gets, and it hurts even more knowing it is all because of the crap in my head.

In the past the panic wouldn’t stop until after everything was over, and today just a few minutes in I was better. Even during Bo’s surgery wasn’t so bad, after he was wheeled off to surgery anyway. The pills are doing something, at least its stopping it from happening the entire time but I still experience the panic and anxiety. I want to know what it’s like to do something as simple as taking Bailey around the block without having a breakdown of sorts. I have to hold on to that hope that one day, we’ll figure out what I need to fully work for me and all this will go away completely. If not go away completely, then find a way to work through these attacks, that would be better than what I’m still experiencing.