Monday, April 12, 2010

Welcome to my world

Bo is having issues not being able to “be normal”. While I was putting the trash out last night, he told me that he’d talked to his mom about how he hates to be a couch potato and how long does he have to do it. She told him the same thing I have, wait until his appointment this week and ask the doc what he thinks. He said he’s getting depressed about having to watch everything and not being able to do anything. This is not something I want him to ever experience.

It got me to thinking though, about what it must be like on the outside looking in and then how it looks when you are the one on the inside. He’s always been the one helping me through issues. He’s always there to hold my hand while I have a breakdown or an OCD moment. He’s the rock, the positive one, the one who lets nothing get him down. And now this surgery has kicked his butt, eh balls (sorry dear could not help myself) and left him helpless and couch ridden. Now it’s my turn to take care of him, to be his encouragement. It is an odd sensation that he can’t do much; it’s me and his mom doing things. Bo has always been understanding during my darkest times, but I’m wondering if he’s getting a new picture of what I’ve dealt with, and deal with daily. Not that I want him to get the full experience, but maybe this can help him get a different glimpse into my world.

I don’t remember being on the outside looking in, I remember always being the one on the inside looking at the “normal” people watching and judging me. It’s all I know at this point, and I would give much to know what it’s like to not have this 24/7. I don’t get to go back to normal at a certain date; this is what I will deal with for the rest of my life. But observing someone like me isn’t the same as living it day after day.

I get to trade positions with him while he heals. It is very strange and really hard, my respect for him has exploded since the care he gives to me is harder than what I’m doing for him. It’s nothing to get him something to eat or drink, or his cold bag of peas, LOL. It’s another story however, to deal with breakdowns, tears and the inability to believe in the facts because your mind refuses to accept it as truth. It’s giving me a small glimpse into what it’s like to be him, to take care of so much because the other is incapable of handling it. It’s letting me see another side of things that I haven’t experienced in so so long. I don’t like that he’s down, that he’s hurting and walking slower than our 14 month old, I especially don’t like that he can’t hold me at night and there is no “us” time until he heals. But it is nice, even though it’s only for a short while, to be the one that takes care of things.

I love that I am on the other side of that window for once.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you have a wonderful guy! I didn't realize you were going through so much. Remember you have a family who is there for you, even if it's only to pray for you and your family.


Jodene said...

What an amazing realisation my friend and what a beautiful relationship you and Bo have.
I'm on the outside looking in ... a girl who hasn't had much more than disappointment from love and where I'm standing it's a beautiful sight.

Please wish Bo better from me ... I'm not one to ask for help and when I simply broke my toe I battled to watch anyone help me ... I even cried from the sheer need to watch everyone help me when I'm usually the helper ... it seems we are all learning great lesson from each other.

Much love my brave and magical friend!

Nikki said...

Thanks Anita! Yup, told you I was warped, LOL.

Thank you Jodene! Don't give up on finding love, even though it hurts and is frustrating, it is worth it....besides think of all the fun searching ;).

I do have a great guy, and a great relationship with him. I know I am extremely lucky because not everyone has this. I wish I could bottle it and share, LOL.