Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Me time...the start

Before I get started, thank you Jodene once again.  Reading your blog about not giving up and going for your dreams with such passion even though it puts you out of your comfort zone sometimes, is rubbing off on me.  Well most days it is anyway, LOL.  If I'm having a "fail" day I read your blog and you always inspire me to try anyway.  I've said this more than once and I know I'll say it many more times, because you are just that awesome! MWUAH!

This weekend I had sort of an a ha moment.  I say sort of since I've had it before, made plans to fix things and as usual I gave up.

Surprise, Nikki gives up on something! Whoa!

I mentally kicked my butt by saying that if I'm going to waste the time to write or to worry about my weight, I might as well keep going, or give up.  Give up or finish, that's it, no other options.  I have got to stop talking about it and ACTUALLY do it.

Weight wise, I know I can lose the weight, I did it before.  It just took concentrating on me more, plus I only had Bailey to worry about.  Now with Joss here, it went from being semi hard to damn near impossible to think of my needs.  But I have to because I am their example and I don't want them to give up on things like I do.  More importantly, I have to for me to be healthy and happy.  Yeah its hard to do, my meds as usual aren't helping, and I lack the energy to workout most of the time, but so what?  I am not happy with how I look, I hate the way I feel, and the only way to fix that is to keep trying.  I gotta suck it up and do it because I do not want to be miserable forever.

Now the whole book thing is a TOTALLY other matter.  I am oh so afraid of getting published.  I don't think my writing (you can see a glimpse here) is all that fabulous.  AlthoughI have had many tell me they love my stuff and want more, lets hope they aren't lying.  It's that whole, gotta sign a contract, be responsible for more books, have a timeline thing that stops me in my tracks.  That and book signings...eeesh.  I don't like attention, I really don't it makes me uncomfy.  So the idea of me going in front of people, strangers at that, signing and worst of all reading from my book makes me want to toss my cookies.  Miss and Bo tell me it may be possible for me to skip that, and I won't know until I ask.  And to ask, means I have to finish a book. Ugh, then that brings me right back to writing becoming a job and not a hobby and I do not want to ever hate writing.  I don't want it to stop being fun and I've heard so many authors say that there comes a time where it becomes a job and its a tough transition.  I've wanted to be an author since I was 12, that's 16 years of writing with countless notebooks filled with stories and folders of more that are saved on my laptop, that's a lot of work.  That's 16 years of wasted time if I never make myself finish something and see if I can get published.  This is something I can't get back, and I might as well make it mean more than a dust collector.

So I'm done.  I'm done with going back and forth on these things.  I tell others not to give up and keep trying, why can't I do the same?  I can, and like Bo and Miss have told me MANY times, it won't hurt anything if I do fail, it won't change anything, and it may even help me get better.  I don't know about the get better part, but I am good at failure so I admit it won't be any different if I can't find someone to publish my work than it was when I gave up on crocheting. 

I am fully aware that I have said this before on my blog many times.  I am fully aware that I do whine about this, often, and I have yet to truly show any evidence that I've gotten better.  Which is kinda the whole point of saything this.  To show me, more than you guys, how I need to stop this, how I can follow my dreams just like anyone else.  I mean if Thomas Edison came up 3000 ways to develop an incandescent lamp plus went through thousands of attempts at making a light bulb work before he got it right, I think I should be able to lose a few pounds and write a few chapters...


I will focus on writing every day, no time limit and no amount of words/chapters.  Just write until I'm done and if the next day I don't think I can write, revise and try very hard not to kill it since I tend to do that sometimes.  I am not going to waste 16 years of writing PERIOD.  I can and will face this fear.

I will focus on watching what I eat, and not just grab what I can without thought.  I will drink my water, and have only coffee in the morning and tea with dinner, pop is on the weekends ONLY.  My first goal is 3lbs, to make everything even first.  I'll go from there when it happens and NOT worry about anything more than those 3lbs.  If I work out great if not, oh well, but get up and do SOMETHING. 

Or so help me I will take myself outside for an ass beating....


Lesa Antone said...

ahhhh.....the fear of failure. Or is it the fear of success? Sometimes I wonder which is more scary to think about. At least I find that to be true for myself. At any rate, I hope you take the leap of faith...who knows what might happen?

Enjoy your blog and plan to visit often to see how the book is going....

Would love to have you visit me at

Lianne said...

I struggle with the same things. I ended up signing up for a couple dance classes, and that's really helped motivate me to actually DO the exercise (as opposed to buying dvd's then not doing them consistantly). I've also been loving Rocco DiSpirito's "Now Eat This" cookbook. Delicious food, all under 350 calories!

Nikki said...

Thanks guys!!

Lesa - I'll be visiting your blog soon! And the fear of both is neck and neck for me, LOL.

Lianne - I have that book on my Bookswim pool!! I also love Hungry Girl, they have some cool recipes and swaps too.