Friday, July 09, 2010


I doubt anyone noticed, but I said that not only would I start focusing on my writing, I would stop whining about my fat butt and do something about it.  And I haven't.

I've avoided the topic or just alluded to what was going on.  The past two days I posted random junk just to fill in the space.  I tried to post, I really did, but I gave up because I didn't like what I saw/read.  I also couldn't understand what I was writing, so how could anyone else?

This Wednesday marked 3 weeks since I said I'd do better.  The only thing that has changed is my writing.  I focused on that only, and because of that, I haven't lost a pound.

Three weeks of half ass trying resulting in the same crap.  Same number on the scale, my clothes fitting horrible.  Same horror at seeing myself in the mirror.

Wednesday I sat down to do a post about it, but none of it made any sense.  I thought maybe if I logged on to W.W. site, which I haven't done in three or four months, and see what I've done maybe that would help.  Seeing how long it had been since I had done anything on the site, made me want to cry and scream.  Three weeks ago I said I'd follow the system again but I didn't.  So I entered in my points, or what I could, and tried hard to shut up the negative voices in my head.

I tried again yesterday to write about this and got the same thing.  But I tracked my points for the most part.  Yeah that's bad, but we had Chinese takeout Wednesday night and leftovers for lunch, its something I can't calculate, only guess.  Since I don't know I don't count it.  I know both days I went over my points, how much is anyones guess.

But I tracked my points.

I also stepped away from my writing/laptop and focused on moving as much as I could the past two days.  I did what I said I'd do.  I didn't want to do it, I'd rather be reading or writing than cleaning.  But I did it because I have to.  And today I'm doing it again. 

Back in February I began doing a video blog of my weight loss.  I had planned on posting the videos but I never got around to it.  Then, I got sick of failing and deleted them.  I couldn't watch myself, I couldn't stand how I looked, how could anyone.  Thats about the time I gave up and stopped doing the points.  I'd like to pick this back up, but right now I'm not saying I will.  I know me, and although I am trying to be positive these days, I doubt I'll make the time to do it.  If I do great, if not then its something else on my list of things to work on.

On Wednesday when I was going through my chart, I saw that in the first week I lost 5lbs.  I'd totally forgotten that and I was so very envious of that me who had lost 5lbs in a week.  I followed the system for a month and a half, and when I'd lost only 7lbs I stopped it.  I had lost more the last go round, and I hated that I wasn't losing it the same this time.  I know that's stupid, that every year your body changes and it becomes harder to lose weight.  But I gave up anyway, and I've managed not to gain everything back....although I go up and down pretty much every week.

I sat down this morning and told myself I had to write this, I promised myself I would and told you guys I would do this daily.  I can't keep going back on my goals, or I'm going to always be on this merry-go-round.  I hate it when people jump from one thing to another, it bugs the crap out of me, yet I do it.  I say I'm going to do this, that such and such is my goal and then I give up when things don't happen the way I think they should.  I'm the person that annoys me, the person that has big plans but never followes through.  The one who lets fear rule them.
I'm a quitter.


Lianne said...

Don't give up! It is so, so hard to keep that motivation; I know. And it seems to me relatively easy to lose those first several pounds and then plateau for a while (or a long while?).

I gained at least sixty pounds when I was pregnant with Caleb. Then the birth control I went on after giving birth made me continue to gain weight. After figuring that out, I dropped ten pounds, and seemed stuck. I've been consistantly working out and taking a couple dance classes, but only losing a half pound, maybe one, a week. It's slow going, but at least it's progress, yeah?

Hang in there, honey. It's hard, hard work, but I have the faith you can do it.

Nikki said...

Thank you Lianne!! I know it takes time, its more that last time I lost 2lbs a week, and this time I went a month without losing anything even though I was still following the system at that point. Mwuahs!!

Draft Queen said...

Weight loss sucks. I did WW in about 2003 and lost quite a bit, but somehow managed to stop 25lbs shy of the goal.

When I stepped on the scale in March? I had gained back 20 more. ACK!

I've lost that 20 (all in March) and have since resumed eating like a jerk and not moving; the moving became impossible when breathing while sitting still was an issue let alone exercise. It's been sorted out a while, another health issue has also come and gone and here I sit, on my ass, knowing I had ice cream for dinner.

I'm really sick of these wiggly thighs. And arms. (When did THAT happen!)

I'm with ya. I need a solid kick in the ass. (Or someone to drive ahead of me holding out a cupcake or something for me to want to chase after.)