Saturday, July 24, 2010

Crawls into room hoping no one notices...

I HATE coming back the next day after I post one of my panic melt downs.   I vaguelly remember what I wrote, and it is always more of a garbled mess than my regular posts.

Thank you Draft Queen and Jodene for your comments yesterday!!

It sucks the most when I chew someone out for something, only to later find out it was a total accident....even when I know that person is normally more considerate.

Now I owe a public apology to my hubby.  He wasn't seeing all of my messages yesterday due to having more than one person coming to his office to ask about different issues, and opening and closing multiple windows and programs.  After the munchkins went to bed he asked me what was wrong because I was barely speaking to him.  I told him, that he was being an inconsiderate ass for asking me about golf in the middle of a panic attack.  He truly had no clue that I had gotten that worked up, since he hadn't seen the few messages I sent explaining it.  He apologized I don't know how many times for it and it made cry...again.

He kept telling me over and over that I know him, that he would stop whatever he's doing to help me calm down.  Which I do, and I did then but in the middle of a panic attack you're not thinking all that clearly...obviously.  Then when I told him I had to tell Miss not to come by, while bawling like a moron, he held me and told me a few more thousand times how sorry he was for not helping me so I could see her.

Sometimes, I wish he'd be a jerk you know?  Cause then I wouldn't feel so bad for getting so pissed off that I can't talk to him without yelling.  It always turns out this way, you would think that after 10 years of marriage I'd know this.  I shouldn't let myself get mad at him, because in the end, he'll always prove that if he had seen everything or had heard everything, I would never get hurt by him in the first place.  But nope, my brain doesn't rationalize that in the heat of the moment.


On a brighter side, Bailey can't stop talking about yesterday.  He got to play with his cousin Hoss, he got to ride in Grandma Bonnie's car, he got to swim in a creek and Uncle Rod took him out in the deep water (thankfully they had a lifejacket for him, something we HAVE to get before they take him again).  He even told me Uncle Rod was good yesterday, which still makes me giggle.  My 5 year old knows his uncle is an ornery butthole sometimes, and he was very proud of him for being a good boy.  Too precious for words.  He still tells us random events out of the blue, and he grins from ear to ear the whole time. 

He didn't see me break down yesterday, and I'm very thankful for that.  I don't want him exposed to that if I can help it.  Either one of them.  I don't want it to ruin him experiencing life because he's worried Mama may have a heart attack.   I kept a smile on my face, and stayed as upbeat as I could before he left and when he got home I didn't jump on him and hug him without letting go for hours like I wanted to. 

I'm hoping the next time they take him, I handle it better.  That was rough.


Draft Queen said...

I've had similar meltdowns. This is your space. You can use it how you need to.

Glad Bailey had fun!

Jodene said...

You did so good girl ;-)