Friday, July 23, 2010

Stupid OCD and husband rant

My MIL and BIL along with his 3 year old son, just came and picked up Bailey to go swimming at a nearby creek.  Something he has never done before.

I trust them, they would never endanger Bailey.

But my stomach is so tight with fear that I feel nauseous.  Thoughts are spinning around in my head so fast I can barely think.

MY BABY IS GOING TO A CREEK WITHOUT ME!  Have I mentioned I have a fear of water?? Yeah AFRAID OF WATER...and my child is about to go to a creek without me with moving water that is over his head in places.

OMG my hands are shaking so bad.  Jocelyn woke up from her nap early because of all the talking and such when they came to get him, so she's really clingy.  All I want to do is hang on to her and not put her down because its someone to hold me right now.  But I'm so anxious that its not helping, its not calming me down its only making me want him back here more. 

To make matters worse, I was telling Bo whats going on, cause he's a pro at helping me calm down, but instead of doing his normal helping routine he starts talking about GOLF...WTF your wife is having a freaking panic attack and you're concerned with golf! He'd just said sorry that I wasn't handling this well and I had just told him that sorry wasn't helping and he sends back 'sorry twice?', to which I reply 'u should know by now that sarcasm does nothing but piss me off when i'm freaking out' his response was 'is tomorrow at 8am better for golf?'.  OMFG really? Did you really just ask me that?  If Joss hadn't been in my lap I think I would have freaking screamed. Then when I told him I was slightly distracted and couldn't care less about golf right now, he sends back 'I know it worries you and I'm truly sorry, but I need to know if tomorrow at 8 is a problem'.  Let me think....I know where you can store your damn clubs but that's really the only decision I can make at this point in time.

GGGRRRRRR....He decided its best to go tomorrow since I always tell him that Saturday morning is the best time to for him to go....yeah really.

Bo I love you, you are the best husband ever, but asking about golf right now was the stupidest thing you could have done. It could have waited until I'd calmed down.  You have no idea how much it pisses me off right now to know you or they couldn't wait for a fucking answer until I was calm and able to actually think about something other than my baby getting hurt without me there to help him. 

I'm just...I don't know what the fuck to say right now.  I really don't and I hate that I'm back here telling you guys about another freaking panic attack.  He's working, and even when he gets a chance to say something it's about fucking golf and right now I'd rather torch his damn clubs than talk about when he can play.  I'm texting Miss and yes that's helping but its not helping enough.  There's only so much you can do with a text. 

She just told me that they may be able to stop by here for a little bit before they continue heading home.  And I can't do it.  I can't.  I love her so much and miss her like you wouldn't believe but right now, I don't want to see anyone but Bailey at my door.  I can't sit still.  I can't stop moving.  I just can't and I hate that I just told my best friend I can't see her because I'm freaking out.

I'm trying to breath, I'm counting, I'm thinking positive thoughts, I'm focusing on the fact that I loved the creek growing up and I want him to have some fun.  But nothing is working and I don't think anything is going to until he comes home safe and sound. 

I started this post over an hour ago, and its not getting any better.  I'm so sick of this crap.


Draft Queen said...


Panic attacks are the WORST.

Jodene said...

Oh my friend it sounds like it took all your courage to get through this one. To sit down and write is a huge realisation that you don't get completely frozen and that you can sort of carry on.

I'm giving you a super well done smile!