Monday, August 23, 2010

I thought it was over...

Today Bo returned to work and I got to drop off Bailey by myself.  I was totally fine until I left him.

The whole trip back to the car I kept doubting that I had actually dropped him off inside.  That the image of him walking into the cafeteria and a teacher speaking to him and guiding him to a table wasn't real.  That he was now outside searching for me, and he'd be lost forever.

I had to force myself to drive home.  I kept telling myself he's fine he's fine he's fine, and go home go home go home, the entire way back.  The 8 minute or so drive felt like hours and states away.  Now what I felt Thursday and Friday is back.  With a vengeance because I don't have Bo here to calm me down.

It's so bad that I just called the school, I told the secretary that we had a rough morning and I wanted to make sure he got to his class ok.  I gave his name but she didn't say he was in the class, only that she had just left that particular classroom and all the kids were already having a good time.

I know this means he's there, that if he wasn't she would have said or will call back to let me know.  But because she didn't say yes, I saw Bailey he's in the room and he's perfectly fine, I doubt what she said.

Seriously to all things holy, why?  Why can't my freaking brain shut up?  Why does it do this to me?  Why does OCD have to do this to anyone?  It's debilitating, it's crippling, and fucking sucks. 

I thought for sure today I'd be fine.  Friday was way easier than Thursday, I got through not walking inside and let Bo do it instead. 

This is worse than Thursday and Friday put together.  I'm not as nauseous and on the edge anxious, but I'm terrified, I'm worried and all I want to do is drive over there and get him.  I can't see him, and if I can't see him he's not safe in my head. 

If this is what the OCD exposures feel like, no wonder people would rather quit the therapy and put up with the OCD instead.


Draft Queen said...

Aw. I hate that feeling. (hug)

Free2bMommy said...

Its awesome to recognize whats going on and trying to work through it. Good luck sweetie!


Jodene said...

My precious friend, my only 'penny's worth' to you is to know that with every bit of realisation you have, you are making friends with your head. You get to know friend and friends learn about each other and how to treat each other and that will come the more you get to know your head. Friends, however, are never judging or mean to each other just because they are a little 'different' ... so don't be mean to your OCD or to your brain or your thoughts. Treat them like your friend because they are there for a very important reason! You are that powerful ;-) and I love you for it!
Well done brave girl!!