This is a test right?

There's some cosmic therapist up there right now holding a clipboard saying MMM HMM and making doodles on their paper.

You see tomorrow is Bailey's first class field trip, to a pumpkin patch about an hour away.  Now the OCD in me is screaming NONONONONONONONONO, strangers are taking my baby in a bus an hour from me in busy traffic.  There is no way I could not go.  Except I do not drive in areas I'm not familiar with.  Especially with Jocelyn with me, and all by myself.

So I broke down and asked my mom to go with me, and my dad jumped in and said we'd all go.  I was relieved, I could go make sure he was safe and had my Mama and Daddy with me, even though it was painful to ask.

Then this morning I called to tell them that it was in fact tomorrow and found out Mama is sick with a stomach bug.  My mom is one tough cookie, she's worked with a fever, even drove herself to the hospital while in labor, there's nothing she won't push through to get something done.  If she says she's sick, SHE'S FRICKIN SICK.  She told me she'd still try and I told her no, I could hear how sick she was in her voice and I can't do that to her. 

I told Bailey this morning I was going and possibly Mema and Papa, so I can't get out of it now.  He understands why they can't go and is fine with it.  But he wants me to go and is adamant that I do.

I'm freaking the fuck out at the moment.  I know all I have to do is follow the bus, but unless I'm right behind that bus I will be lost.  I am not shitting you, I must see that bus and if I can't because it's turned off somewhere and traffice blocked it from my view, I'm going to lose my shit.  I know it and I'm so damn scared right now it's not funny.  Screw driving directions, it's the bus I have to see and have.

Bo says I should ask MIL to go with me.  And I would, I love her to pieces and she gets my weirdness, but she's taking care of our nephew whose 3.  If she went, he'd go, and that would so not help my nerves.  I love that little munchkin, he's something else, but having him with me tomorrow will make me feel worse not better.

I can't get out of this, I have to do it.  And I know that at some point, Bailey, his friends and the teachers and parents are all going to witness me have a breakdown.