Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I'm warped...well duh

Yesterday I woke up all perky and ready to go about my day, doing as much as I possibly could around the house. 

I kept it up for a while, got most of my list done and then everything went to pot.

Not because I gave up, but because I got distracted.  I had a cuddle bug for a while.  And while I was just sitting there I decided to play an online game.  Which got me good and distracted.  So much so that by the time Joss was ready to go play, I had no clue what to do.  I looked around the house and literaly said outloud "What do I do now?".

So much for my plan for the day. It totally deserted me.  Thank you OCD, you really are helping on my journey to be a better me.

Last night once the kids were in bed, my brain went in full gear mode again.  I had a map in my head of things to do and how I was going to eat better, today of course.  I could see today, see how much I'd accomplish and how great I'd feel at FINALLY getting everything I wanted done plus eating better like I should be doing.  Then it hit me.  Seriously?!?!?! At 9:30 at night, my head gets clear and now I can think and focus.

What the crap is up with that? 

I know I get distracted and sidetracked and it throws my entire day upside down.  I've known it for a while now.  I've witnessed how I go from getting things done to spinning in circles not knowing where to go.  This isn't all that much of an aha moment.  More of a frustrating clear moment of thinking.

I'm not getting anywhere because the slightest thing out of my routine throws me off kilter and it's like I go dumb and can't get back on track.  It's not necessarily me and that I can't do it, or that I don't want to do it, or that I don't have the drive to do it.  It's simply my brain goes well dumb.  Even if I have my list and my routine in front of me, it's like I don't see it or understand it.  It's the damndest thing.

The worst part, is I don't have a clue how to fix this.  List's are doing me no good.  I look at my list and say well I see that I have this down but what about this and that and that over there, etc.  I can't just do what's on my list and be happy with it.  Oh no, I somehow want to get it all done, and because I get so frustrated knowing that I can't, Ijust say to hell with it.  I know my routine, it's a simple as I can make it, but once it's done I think ok, so I HAVE to add something else to it since I did the whole thing every day this week, but what do I add.  Do I add this since I rarely get to that, or that since it's where everyone can see it or oooh yeah this over here has been bugging me FOREVER.  I can't make up my mind on what to add, so I don't add it and that makes me mad.  If I stick to my routine, only those things will get done, nothing else and I'll really be going no where.

I'm good at planning, I'm great at handing out tasks to others, but not to myself.  I'm not hard enough on myself I guess.  This is getting really old, and if it was from someone else I'd be chewing them out for not getting their crap together.  How can I expect other's to stick to things and be responsible when I can't do it myself?  How can I know this, talk about it, but cannot seem to get things to click?  AAARRRGGG!!!

I have limited motivation, stamina, and attention and it's all fighting against me to keep me in this state.  I'm a broken record to myself, I know I must be to others.  But how the hell do I fix this?!?!?!

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