Friday, February 25, 2011

Is way...

I had an odd ah ha moment on my way home from dropping Bailey off at school. 

This is from the movie Hoodwinked, with Twitchy my FAVORITE character.  This is a perfect explanation on what it's like in my head these days.


All my thoughts and ideas and whatnots are blurred together in a totally new language, that I haven't deciphered yet.  And if I had the physical energy, I'd be bouncing off the walls and skipping because of the sure magnitude of the mental energy and perkiness going on up there.

OH MY GOD, welcome to what it was like BEFORE I had Bailey.

No shit. 

People used to tell me I was annoying because I was so perky and so positive and just so energetic about things, it was too much for some.  Plus I was loud about it, laughing and goofing off ALL the time.  I even had a boyfriend break up with me because I was too perky.  LOL I still giggle over that one.  But I digress.  At some point all that just went away, I was still a goof ball sometimes, but all that energy and get up and go thoughts just fluttered away.  You get me in a room with friends and that person returns, I tell stupid jokes, I laugh loudly, I get goofy and start talking as fast as I can because I get so excited about being around the people I like.  But the second they are gone, all that goes with them, and I'm left all shlumpy and tired and, just well blah.  It got much worse when Bailey was born because then I had something to really worry about, things weren't so up in the air and random any more.  I had a child, I had to focus, I guess that's why it just went poof entirely one day.

But this is what it was like all those years ago, although back then I don't remember it being so rambled and such a mess with my thoughts.  I also had more energy and did quirky things like randomly skip or break out into a dance and song when things got quiet...I also had a thing for Ring Pops.  I'm not that goofy anymore, I'm more serious, but I still randomly start dancing like a moron every now and then.  And I miss that, I miss the way I used to be before the stress from OCD and depression really got to me.  I don't like what it's done to my personality.

Anywho, I was rocking out to a song this morning and started laughing at myself, because here I am a 29 year old SAHM of two dancing in my seat to a song as if no one was around.  Oh yeah, that was me if you were in NW Arkansas this morning.  It's something I randomly do, not normally to that extent hehe, and something I used to do ALL the time.  And it made me feel like I did way back when, when I wasn't so sour about things and so negative and so down on myself over how my mental problems affect my life.

That's when I damn near smacked myself in the forehead, if I hadn't caught the look of a woman waiting to turn onto the street I was on.  She already thought I was having a seizure, if I'd smacked myself I'm sure she would have called 911.

But it hit me, that in many ways things were easier back then because I hadn't let the OCD and depression eat at me yet.  I didn't know what it was, I knew something was off but I still had fun and wanted to have fun and made myself have fun.  Whereas in the past 5 or so years, I want to have fun I just don't try to.  I used to focus on what I got to do that day, not what I had to do.  I had music on all day long, I danced around my apartment while I did things.  I made it a party most of the time and it showed.  Now, well now I think about all I have to do and I don't want to do any of it because there is 0 fun in my days.  I stopped being a kid and made having fun a top priority. 

I know this is not something that over night my positivity returns and that perky girl of yesterday comes skipping into the room.  I know it's something I'm going to have to fight to keep and fight to accept.

So you know what I'm going to do today?  I'm going to focus on the fun things I get to do.  I'm going to have my music on, dance around like a lunatic, and be that goofy girl I used to be.  Because by golly she may have had her issues, but she still smiled and lived a little.

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